There’s Nothing to Eat!

Along with the recently-issued mandate in our house that the kids make their own school lunches, we’ve also started buying less junk food.

It’s amazing how much damage junk food has caused to their eyesight. They look in the pantry and can’t see that there is any food left.

One kid, who shall remain unnumbered, attempted to offer helpful suggestions to all the other kids who couldn’t see any food for lunch snacks. A different kid, who shall also remain unnumbered, said “This is gross! There’s nothing to eat in this house!” and went to her cave room and slammed the door, it is rumored.

Three remaining kids banded together and made snacks for lunch, which just thrilled my heart to no end.

In the pantry were an unopened package of graham crackers and six unopened boxes of table water cracker of varying flavors. In the fridge were grapes, baby carrots, a pear, apples, an orange, cheese and eggs. We had bananas, peanut butter, celery, jello and dried and canned fruit. There was bacon. Not that it all counts as health food, but they couldn’t see any of that because of the junk food disease.


So they made Cinnamon Toast Crunch muffins from a mix that one of them got for Christmas, and popcorn.

#4 made the muffins. She thought they seemed a little plain and never voluntarily eats anything without added sugar, so she gave them Christmas sprinkles. Then she found the packet of Cinnamon Toast Crunch crumble in the box. So she put that on too.

There’s always something to eat here. You just need to know where to look.


The Best Idea He Ever Had

Monday is pizza lunch day at the elementary school, the only school without a cafeteria where one could buy lunch in a pinch. . . if, say, one overslept or forgot to get lunch meat, or just couldn’t fricking deal with the prospect of making that many goddamn sandwiches again. Therefore, Monday has long been our throw-money-at-the-kids-and-let-them eat-crap-at-school day.

When school started up again after the holidays, CC issued a mandate: each of the four kids who have not yet graduated will be responsible for making school lunches one day each week.

Monday plus 4 kids making lunches each one day a week translates into both of us getting a whole extra thirty minutes’ sleep in the morning. That’s almost better than sex.


It had to be a rule laid down by him. I never would have been able to make it stick. First off, they wouldn’t have believed me. Then, when they realized that I meant business, they would have been stuffing fistfuls of dry cereal (if there was any left) into sandwich bags and hurling them at each other on the way out the door going, “Here’s your lunch!”.

But now, the night before their allotted day, they make the sandwiches. They gather the snacks. They label the bags and put the cold things in the fridge. There have been some interesting but predictable occurrences. Like the lunchmaker gets the most coveted snacks. And how the day that we were nearly out of bread, #4 equally dispersed the hateful heels from two loaves of bread so that everyone got only one, and no one got stuck with two. Except for herself; she was exempted from heels and got the last two regular pieces of bread. She left one heel for CC and I to share for toast.

The bread hates you too.
The bread hates you too.

Last night #2 came into the living room full of angst.

#2: I would like to state for the record that I HATE that wheat bread for sandwiches!

Me: That’s what you said when I bought white bread! What do you want?

#2: Well, I like that OTHER white bread!

CC: I bought a loaf of that- it’s on the counter!

#2: I KNOW! That’s why I used it for my sandwich.

Me: And you used the hateful wheat bread for everyone else’s sandwich?

#2: Well, yeah. That way there will be more of the good white bread for my sandwiches later.

Me: When has that concept ever worked at any time for anything in this family?

#2: We’re out of goldfish.

My favorite part of this whole thing, maybe even better than the extra sleep, is what they’re writing on each other’s lunch bags.

In retrospect, it should have been obvious but we didn’t see it coming: My darling baby brother, Fart Face, Booger.

But #5, having Friday as his lunch-making day, has the entire week to think up retaliations for what his sisters write on his bag.

The girls underestimated him. My favorite last week was Don’t forget your ointment!