Say What?

Sometimes I hear myself say things and realize that, had my life taken a different path, I would never utter these words all together in the same sentence.

Last Sunday we took everyone to see the final Harry Potter movie at the theater at Willowbrook Mall. I had purchased the tickets earlier online, while not wearing my glasses, and there was a problem getting them at the theater. I had to go to guest services, where I heard myself say, “There’s a Willowbrook in Houston? As in Texas?”

For the record, Houston? All y’all’s movie tickets are cheap compared to New Jersey’s.

Here are a few things that CC and I said over the past couple weeks that I never dreamed would be necessary:

  • Don’t lick your sister.
  • Do not run with a glass in your mouth.
  • Stop tasting the dogs.
  • No, you can’t hide in the dryer.
  • Actually, you’re not a ninja.
  • Don’t lick your brother.
  • I’m sorry the Tooth Fairy didn’t show up again. He was probably drunk.
  • Get out of the dishwasher.
  • Do NOT “pants” our guests. What if he’d been going commando?
  • Yes, steak is muscle. What? No, you probably wouldn’t get a very big steak out of a baby.
  • No, it’s not a problem that you spilled a coke in my purse.
  • No, sweetie, I’m sorry. Your letter from Hogwarts still didn’t come.

What can you add to the list?

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60 thoughts on “Say What?

  1. “Stop farting into your hands and putting your hands in your sister’s face.”
    “No, I don’t want to play ‘stinky feet’ with you.”
    “No, you can’t have a Reese’s peanut butter cup for breakfast.”
    (admittedly, that last one I was talking to myself)

  2. “Son, if you do drugs you’ll end up giving some guy a BJ in the bus terminal bathroom.”
    “If both had the ability to fight on land, and based solely on the fact that it can dislocate its jaw, I would say a Great White shark would totally kick a Woolly Mammoth’s ass in a fight”
    “Yes, I was a virgin when I got married.”

    P.S.: I’ve actually had to use the “stop pantsing our guests” before. 😉
    P.P.S. I missed your blog when I was vacation.

  3. “It is not alright to try to sell your panties to strangers driving by.”
    “Unless someone is bleeding or passed out, do NOT call 911. It is not a joke.”
    “Doing a headstand on your bed is not a good idea.” (This was after she put her foot through the wall.)
    “Peanut butter is not one of the five food groups.”
    “Mom, it’s okay that the kids are bodysurfing down the stairs. They do it all the time.”
    Jodi

  4. “No, I don’t think our eyes would pop out if we were dead.”
    “Do you think she took my nipple covers?”
    “Stop licking your sister.” ( this must be the thing to do now-a-days)
    “DO NOT LICK THE CAFETERIA FLOOR.”

  5. I’m still stuck on “I’m sorry the Tooth Fairy didn’t show up again. He was probably drunk.” I wish I would’ve thought of that. With three kids at a buck a pop, I could’ve saved myself a small fortune!

    1. I learned a terrible, terrible thing that I am not proud of: if you forget enough nights in a row, the tooth disappears on its own and the kid forgets about it. Major parenting fail.

  6. “please stop picking your nose.”
    “why is the refrigerator open?”
    “who told you that you could unlock, open the front door and go outside?”
    “do you have to sit IN the laundry basket ON the clean and folded clothes?”
    “who unpacked my suitcase?”
    “please stop asking me for ice cream.”

  7. “The couch has seats for a reason. The arms are not seats.”
    “Taps do not turn themselves off.”
    “Your iPhone is confiscated” (for calling the emergency number to see what happened)
    “Why are there no underpants in the laundry basket?”
    “I can’t smell any toothpaste.”
    “Were you born in a tent?”
    “No, you may not live on eggs and bread.”

    1. Calling the emergency number to see what happens seems to be a common theme, one that I have no experience with. . . yet. I love “Why are there no underpants in the laundry basket?”!

  8. I marvel at the things that come out of my mouth, too. These are all hilarious. The only thing I have said that can even hold a candle to yours is, “Oh just make your sister a gun already. She obviously wants one!” She was around 2 years old at the time.
    I also like the new robin’s egg blue background!

      1. Speaking of age, I got asking how old I am last night. The youngest cracked up that I am older than Daddy – her solution to this inequity was that Daddy is taller!

  9. Oh! and I forgot “We do not lick the chairs at McDonald’s!”
    “Get your toe out of the ranch dressing!”
    “Yes, Ice cream and peanut butter are ok for dinner if you are a grown up.”
    and my favorite “No. We can not put your little sister back where she came from! She is 7. She won’t fit anymore.”

      1. My youngest thought that eating with her feet could free up her hands so that she could paint – at the same time.

  10. We have a 5 month old girl. These are things my husband and I say to each other all the time…

    “Who has the toucan?”
    “Did you forget the octopus again!?”
    “Where’s the bee?”

    The sad part is…we are seriously concerned when we ask these questions…seriously concerned…

  11. 1. “If you don’t come here right now I’m gonna break your legs. All of them!”
    2. “What part of ‘stay there’ don’t you get?”
    3. “If you grab that sheep one more time I’m gonna bite you myself.”
    4. “Come over here and sit beside me so I can beat you when you’re bad”

    OK, in all fairness I don’t have kids. And although these are said pretty regularly, they’re all said in jest. Kinda. Well, maybe not #1 and #4, which are often said in a loud, shrill voice … the one you know all your neighbors can hear.

Comment. It gives me a reason not to clean my house.

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