Sometimes I hear myself say things and realize that, had my life taken a different path, I would never utter these words all together in the same sentence.
Last Sunday we took everyone to see the final Harry Potter movie at the theater at Willowbrook Mall. I had purchased the tickets earlier online, while not wearing my glasses, and there was a problem getting them at the theater. I had to go to guest services, where I heard myself say, “There’s a Willowbrook in Houston? As in Texas?”
For the record, Houston? All y’all’s movie tickets are cheap compared to New Jersey’s.
Here are a few things that CC and I said over the past couple weeks that I never dreamed would be necessary:
- Don’t lick your sister.
- Do not run with a glass in your mouth.
- Stop tasting the dogs.
- No, you can’t hide in the dryer.
- Actually, you’re not a ninja.
- Don’t lick your brother.
- I’m sorry the Tooth Fairy didn’t show up again. He was probably drunk.
- Get out of the dishwasher.
- Do NOT “pants” our guests. What if he’d been going commando?
- Yes, steak is muscle. What? No, you probably wouldn’t get a very big steak out of a baby.
- No, it’s not a problem that you spilled a coke in my purse.
- No, sweetie, I’m sorry. Your letter from Hogwarts still didn’t come.
What can you add to the list?
JM Randolph, accidentalstepmom 
wahahahahaha!!!this is hilarious!!!
“stop tasting the dogs” really cracked me up!
thanks for tonight’s dose of laughter!
That one was brought to you by #4. I love my dogs, but I have never desired to know what they taste like.
Couldn’t stop laughing after your pants comment!
I am only sorry that I missed witnessing the event that caused the comment.
Forgot to add one to the list… a common one with my youngest son was:
No you really can’t go around Power Ranger attacking strangers
Nice!
“Stop farting into your hands and putting your hands in your sister’s face.”
“No, I don’t want to play ‘stinky feet’ with you.”
“No, you can’t have a Reese’s peanut butter cup for breakfast.”
(admittedly, that last one I was talking to myself)
These are awesome! Except I can’t believe you wouldn’t let yourself have a Reese’s for breakfast.
I love “you probably wouldn’t get a very big steak out of a baby.” Kids are so awesome.
Also, I love your blog. Keep it up!
That one cracked me up. #5 was asking me about that in all seriousness.
“Son, if you do drugs you’ll end up giving some guy a BJ in the bus terminal bathroom.”
“If both had the ability to fight on land, and based solely on the fact that it can dislocate its jaw, I would say a Great White shark would totally kick a Woolly Mammoth’s ass in a fight”
“Yes, I was a virgin when I got married.”
P.S.: I’ve actually had to use the “stop pantsing our guests” before. 😉
P.P.S. I missed your blog when I was vacation.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I can’t even pick which is my favorite. I missed your blog while you were on vacation too!
“It is not alright to try to sell your panties to strangers driving by.”
“Unless someone is bleeding or passed out, do NOT call 911. It is not a joke.”
“Doing a headstand on your bed is not a good idea.” (This was after she put her foot through the wall.)
“Peanut butter is not one of the five food groups.”
“Mom, it’s okay that the kids are bodysurfing down the stairs. They do it all the time.”
Jodi
Selling panties to strangers passing by makes me feel okay about not getting a very big steak out of a baby. 🙂
“No, I don’t think our eyes would pop out if we were dead.”
“Do you think she took my nipple covers?”
“Stop licking your sister.” ( this must be the thing to do now-a-days)
“DO NOT LICK THE CAFETERIA FLOOR.”
HA! Eyes popping out when we’re dead sounds like something #5 would bring to me. Nipple covers= total awesomeness.
Kids actually fit in the dishwasher? That sounds painful.
Only if they’re little, and only part way. Which is probably a good thing.
I’m still stuck on “I’m sorry the Tooth Fairy didn’t show up again. He was probably drunk.” I wish I would’ve thought of that. With three kids at a buck a pop, I could’ve saved myself a small fortune!
I learned a terrible, terrible thing that I am not proud of: if you forget enough nights in a row, the tooth disappears on its own and the kid forgets about it. Major parenting fail.
Or…you could consider that a win! 🙂
I like the way you think!
Well there is the “Mom put some clothes on, you are not 17 anymore” our roles seem to be reversed here…wtf?
It’s remarkably unfair. I’m sure at one time you had to remind him to wear pants or something.
You could be me. Or I could be you. Really.
I would offer to swap kids with you for a weekend to see if they noticed. . .but I’m not sure which one of us would end up with the harder gig.
“please stop picking your nose.”
“why is the refrigerator open?”
“who told you that you could unlock, open the front door and go outside?”
“do you have to sit IN the laundry basket ON the clean and folded clothes?”
“who unpacked my suitcase?”
“please stop asking me for ice cream.”
“Who unpacked my suitcase?” = brilliant!
“The couch has seats for a reason. The arms are not seats.”
“Taps do not turn themselves off.”
“Your iPhone is confiscated” (for calling the emergency number to see what happened)
“Why are there no underpants in the laundry basket?”
“I can’t smell any toothpaste.”
“Were you born in a tent?”
“No, you may not live on eggs and bread.”
Calling the emergency number to see what happens seems to be a common theme, one that I have no experience with. . . yet. I love “Why are there no underpants in the laundry basket?”!
I’m still asking the same damn question!!!
Wait, how much are the tickets in Houston?? Now I’m dying to know! This was so funny!
Four adults and two kids with the six-dollar service charge was $57. Under ten bucks, that’s all you need to know. Bastards.
And it’s in 3D! Well, I’m sure they don’t have a mall every 5 miles. Or pork roll.
ha, the last is pretty funny.
“nah I’m good, I quit smoking” …. that’s really the only one I got. I amaze myself!
For reals? Good for you!!
Expect the unexpected!
I found this post about a week ago and it still cracks me up!!
I wish I had written it! 😀
“12 Things you should never say to your child”
http://thestir.cafemom.com/big_kid/123107/lesson_20_12_things_you
I love her!! I hadn’t seen this post yet, thanks for sharing it. I love the one about the tail, and the one about you have your father’s eyes. Awesome.
“Stop grabbing your brother’s penis!”
I say this once a week.
HA! Awesome.
I marvel at the things that come out of my mouth, too. These are all hilarious. The only thing I have said that can even hold a candle to yours is, “Oh just make your sister a gun already. She obviously wants one!” She was around 2 years old at the time.
I also like the new robin’s egg blue background!
Ha! Love that!! Every two year old needs a gun. I changed my background color on my blog because I want to paint my house but we can’t agree on any colors yet.
I often say, “Yes, I am a vampire and, no, you don’t get to be one until you are older.”
Nice! Do they ever ask you for a specific age?
Speaking of age, I got asking how old I am last night. The youngest cracked up that I am older than Daddy – her solution to this inequity was that Daddy is taller!
Yes. I tell them that they have to be 30.
Oh! and I forgot “We do not lick the chairs at McDonald’s!”
“Get your toe out of the ranch dressing!”
“Yes, Ice cream and peanut butter are ok for dinner if you are a grown up.”
and my favorite “No. We can not put your little sister back where she came from! She is 7. She won’t fit anymore.”
Excellent! (I’m going to call it a good thing that she won’t fit anymore.)
How the hell did a toe get the ranch dressing?
I was wondering the same thing. . . then I decided I was better off not knowing.
My youngest thought that eating with her feet could free up her hands so that she could paint – at the same time.
Ah, of course. This makes perfect sense.
We have a 5 month old girl. These are things my husband and I say to each other all the time…
“Who has the toucan?”
“Did you forget the octopus again!?”
“Where’s the bee?”
The sad part is…we are seriously concerned when we ask these questions…seriously concerned…
Even though you and I have different octopi, I totally understand the fear and stress of not being able to locate it.
1. “If you don’t come here right now I’m gonna break your legs. All of them!”
2. “What part of ‘stay there’ don’t you get?”
3. “If you grab that sheep one more time I’m gonna bite you myself.”
4. “Come over here and sit beside me so I can beat you when you’re bad”
OK, in all fairness I don’t have kids. And although these are said pretty regularly, they’re all said in jest. Kinda. Well, maybe not #1 and #4, which are often said in a loud, shrill voice … the one you know all your neighbors can hear.
I love “If you grab that sheep one more time I’m gonna bite you myself.”! Is that said to a horse, or a dog? Or your husband?
Sadly, I think they’ve all been said to my husband at one time or another. Now you know why I have Cattle Dogs: I have a very limited vocabulary.
I actually did a post on this a few months back. http://wp.me/p1jqDM-98
My favorite one was “Don’t rub pizza on your feet.”