If you haven’t checked out Leanne Shirtliffe’s blog Ironic Mom and Chase McFadden’s blog Some Species Eat Their Young go do it right now. They’re both awesomely funny. Funnier than an 8-year-old boy with a speech impediment and a New Jersey accent singing The Offspring’s Self Esteem on Guitar Hero.
I’ll wait.
Recently they teamed up and created a new site called Stuff Kids Write. Go check that one out too, I’ll wait again. I’m good at waiting.
Actually, no, I’m not. I’m terribly impatient.
While digging through the pile of funny crap from the kids that I have saved, looking for something to send them for Stuff Kids Write, I came across a piece that is epic in the truest sense of the word: long and repetitive (which is why I didn’t send this one).
We have a social worker who works full time for the school district, dividing her time among all the elementary schools. At the beginning of this school year, she gave #5’s third-grade class the following project. They worked on it in class. It’s about getting in touch with your feelings, being okay with feeling sad or angry or embarrassed, as well as laying out some hopes and dreams.
That’s the cover. He started off okay. I skipped the first 30 pages (I did mention it was epic, yes?)
He’s not exactly verbose here, but he’s at least answering the questions.
I would like to say something nice to… Dad
I would be happier if…I had money
If I have my own children some day I’ll be sure to… hug them
Right here is where things took a turn.
I just love… bacon
I need more… bacon
If I were older I’d… buy bacon
I would like someone to help me… get bacon
I love to eat… bacon
I don’t like it when… I don’t get bacon
I am very good at… loving bacon
At night I like to… dream about bacon
I’d use a magic want to… get bacon
You can tell when someone likes you by… giving me bacon
If I were a teacher, I would… tell evry body to bring bacon
The best time for me is when… I get bacon
If I had very long legs, I would… walk to bacon
I’m the kind of person who… likes bacon
I look best when… I get bacon
I just love to…get bacon
I wish I could change… my house into bacon
I don’t like it when people… don’t give me bacon
I sometimes wonder if… I will get bacon
I would like to give a present of… bacon to… me.
One of the best things about me is… I like bacon
When I was little… I loved bacon
I like going home because… I get bacon
I feel happy when people… give me bacon
If I were very tiny, I would…steal bacon
I wish someone would give me a gift box containing…bacon
I felt like crying when… I don’t get bacon
We did not receive a call from the social worker, his teacher, or the principal. We are protected by bacon.
JM Randolph, accidentalstepmom 
That is 100% pure delight..you may have to change this child’s name to the BACONATOR!!!
I hope he doesn’t see that. He’s liable to start calling himself by that name. It totally fits.
Read this during lunch. Almost choked on my bacon. No, just kidding, almost choked on my salad. Thanks for the laugh. Funny, funny, funny stuff.
I’m glad it was salad- choking on bacon is bad for the bacon.
That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while! You might want to have the kid checked for OCD, though. 🙂
No doubt. He also never forgets anything, and refuses to let anyone else have the last word.
Good grief! I’m sending him bacon on dry ice from now on for his birthday and Christmas gifts…and I won’t even feel guilty.
Oh man, he’ll love you forever! (Not that he doesn’t already anyway).
So… #5 is beginning to remind me of the cutting-room floor scene between Emma Thompson and her on-screen son in “Love Actually.” I’m sure you’ve seen the film. If you have the DVD, and haven’t yet perused the deleted scenes, you have to see the one in which Bernard gets into trouble for writing an essay about how he wants to see people’s farts. This is exactly like that. #5 is kind of a genius.
Okay I have to see it now. I haven’t seen it yet because it doesn’t have any talking animals, vampires, or wizards in it and I used up my one grown-up movie already for the year.
After 30 pages of those kinds of questions, I’m not surprised he turned to his favorite friend – bacon! I would have done the very same. Go Team #5!!! This was a riot.
The crazy thing is that he didn’t even finish it. There were at least ten more pages that he didn’t get to.
How the fudge, I mean, bacon, is it saying I never ‘liked’ this post?! I think something’s screwy with the like feature on old posts. My about page lost its likes somewhere along the way, so it now has more comments than likes.
Kids make for great blog fodder, don’t they?
They’re pretty much all I’ve got. Kids are to my blog as bacon is to a BLT.
Haha! Smart kid. Bacon fixes everything 🙂
My sister sent us a button that says, “Bacon makes everything better!” It’s kind of our family motto.
Ha ha ha ha ha I love bacon as much but damn kid!
I know, relax, right?
Very funny! I’m with gojulesgo on this one, I think I’d have done the same as #5!
At least there were no calls to “take him away”!
I really can’t believe they expected a pack of 8-year-olds to answer all those questions at one sitting. I wonder what the other parents got.
😀 Clever boy, #5!
Clever really is the same thing as smart-ass, isn’t it?
hilarious
he must have been quite proud that he knew how to spell bacon so decided to go with it
were they all written on the same day?
Yeah, all in one afternoon. He’s often impressed with himself.
Score 1 for the Bacon.
Bacon always wins!
Somewhere around kindergarten, our son got one of these “surveys” in school. (He’s 35 now). Well, they did call us in. The teacher read his answers to the questions, and we laughed and laughed! The answers weren’t appropriate as far as the school was concerned, but they were clever, witty, and, often sarcastic.
You’ve got a smart boy there. Keep him.
I love to hear this. It gives me hope. Were they laughing along with you when you were called in?
So…you like bacon?
Nobody likes bacon as much as this kid.
haha… mmmmmbacon. it’s like a bacon conjugation book. how many questions end in bacon? all of them. how many questions are answered by bacon? all of them… 🙂
Bacon = The One, or All That Is.
Gosh, I love #5. I understand how his mind works. He is truly a genius. ❤ Good thing his stepMOM understands as she is one as well. ❤
You would also marvel at his ability to carry a resentment.
I think I can relate to #5. One of the best things about me is that I like bacon as well. I also wish someone would give me a gift box containing bacon. What a delicious gift that would be! Right? Brilliant.
I think you should start stating this when you introduce yourself, particularly if you go for a job interview or a bank loan.
It’s funny how he just sort of figured it out, and rolled right on through with it – the questions are requiring personal answers which invaded his sense of privacy, and he rebelled; he finished the damn assignment, but found the loophole which satisfied both him and the administration; answer all questions, but tell them nothing .
He demonstrates the potential to achieve averageness in life and work. If his future employer should give him a job to do, and he does not like it, he will be adept and just ‘baconize’ the thing. He has developed a fine new skill set. However, if he begins to baconize sex with his future wife, her lawyers will surely baconate his assets.
Baconate his assets!!! HAHAHAHA!!!
That is like a bacon Madlib. Love it. Of course the social worker wasn’t concerned because there’s no greater sign of normalcy than loving bacon. He’s very well adjusted. (IYKWIM)
Thanks for the phat props. I (we) appreciate it.
Bacon Madlib. It totally is. HA!
And, of course!
I’ll just let Chase speak for me. 😉
Thanks, eh?
I was laughing out loud. Their is one of those epic stories about bacon in my repetoire. I might just have to tell it.
Oh, please do. We can always use more epic bacon.
Fantastic bacon-stuff you have there. Hahahaha….!!
Just when we thought bacon couldn’t get any better.
I think this document demonstrates not only #5’s undying love of bacon, but also his appreciation of just how much of a waste of time this kind of useless paperwork is. You can only hope the bacon obsession fades before he’s required to turn anything in to the IRS.
Actually, if I ever get audited, I’m sending him in my place.
The kid is lucky to find something he feels so passionately about at such a young age. Good for him.
We’re so proud.
That was hilarious. I never knew bacon was soooo good. At least you know he has the power of persuasion because I don’t know about you but I really want bacon right now.
My bacon intake has gone through the roof because of this one.
This was “baconstic”. I tripped when I read : ‘If I was tiny I would stea bacon’ it ripped me up. U have a clever boy not a smart-ass.
The tiny stealing bacon one is my favorite too! 2nd fave is walking to bacon. Thanks!
#5 is my new sweetheart! ❤
OMG I haven’t laughed like this in a LONG time! I mean… I was snorting like a pig!
And oh God I love #5!!! If ever I have a kid, I want him/her to be like this…