A #5 Interlude, Brought To You By Bacon

If you haven’t checked out Leanne Shirtliffe’s blog Ironic Mom and Chase McFadden’s blog Some Species Eat Their Young go do it right now. They’re both awesomely funny. Funnier than an 8-year-old boy with a speech impediment and a New Jersey accent singing The Offspring’s Self Esteem on Guitar Hero.

I’ll wait.

Recently they teamed up and created a new site called Stuff Kids Write. Go check that one out too, I’ll wait again. I’m good at waiting.

Actually, no, I’m not. I’m terribly impatient.

While digging through the pile of funny crap from the kids that I have saved, looking for something to send them for Stuff Kids Write, I came across a piece that is epic in the truest sense of the word: long and repetitive (which is why I didn’t send this one).

We have a social worker who works full time for the school district, dividing her time among all the elementary schools. At the beginning of this school year, she gave #5’s third-grade class the following project. They worked on it in class. It’s about getting in touch with your feelings, being okay with feeling sad or angry or embarrassed, as well as laying out some hopes and dreams.

That’s the cover. He started off okay. I skipped the first 30 pages (I did mention it was epic, yes?)

He’s not exactly verbose here, but he’s at least answering the questions.

I would like to say something nice to… Dad

I would be happier if…I had money

If I have my own children some day I’ll be sure to… hug them

Right here is where things took a turn.

I just love… bacon

I need more… bacon

If I were older I’d… buy bacon

I would like someone to help me… get bacon

I love to eat… bacon

I don’t like it when… I don’t get bacon

I am very good at… loving bacon

At night I like to… dream about bacon

I’d use a magic want to… get bacon

You can tell when someone likes you by… giving me bacon

If I were a teacher, I would… tell evry body to bring bacon

The best time for me is when… I get bacon

If I had very long legs, I would… walk to bacon

I’m the kind of person who… likes bacon

I look best when… I get bacon

I just love to…get bacon

I wish I could change… my house into bacon

I don’t like it when people… don’t give me bacon

I sometimes wonder if… I will get bacon

I would like to give a present of… bacon to… me.

One of the best things about me is… I like bacon

When I was little… I loved bacon

I like going home because… I get bacon

I feel happy when people… give me bacon

If I were very tiny, I would…steal bacon

I wish someone would give me a gift box containing…bacon

I felt like crying when… I don’t get bacon

We did not receive a call from the social worker, his teacher, or the principal. We are protected by bacon.


56 thoughts on “A #5 Interlude, Brought To You By Bacon

  1. Read this during lunch. Almost choked on my bacon. No, just kidding, almost choked on my salad. Thanks for the laugh. Funny, funny, funny stuff.

  2. Good grief! I’m sending him bacon on dry ice from now on for his birthday and Christmas gifts…and I won’t even feel guilty.

  3. So… #5 is beginning to remind me of the cutting-room floor scene between Emma Thompson and her on-screen son in “Love Actually.” I’m sure you’ve seen the film. If you have the DVD, and haven’t yet perused the deleted scenes, you have to see the one in which Bernard gets into trouble for writing an essay about how he wants to see people’s farts. This is exactly like that. #5 is kind of a genius.

    1. Okay I have to see it now. I haven’t seen it yet because it doesn’t have any talking animals, vampires, or wizards in it and I used up my one grown-up movie already for the year.

  4. After 30 pages of those kinds of questions, I’m not surprised he turned to his favorite friend – bacon! I would have done the very same. Go Team #5!!! This was a riot.

      1. How the fudge, I mean, bacon, is it saying I never ‘liked’ this post?! I think something’s screwy with the like feature on old posts. My about page lost its likes somewhere along the way, so it now has more comments than likes.

  5. hilarious
    he must have been quite proud that he knew how to spell bacon so decided to go with it

    were they all written on the same day?

  6. Somewhere around kindergarten, our son got one of these “surveys” in school. (He’s 35 now). Well, they did call us in. The teacher read his answers to the questions, and we laughed and laughed! The answers weren’t appropriate as far as the school was concerned, but they were clever, witty, and, often sarcastic.
    You’ve got a smart boy there. Keep him.

  7. haha… mmmmmbacon. it’s like a bacon conjugation book. how many questions end in bacon? all of them. how many questions are answered by bacon? all of them… 🙂

  8. Gosh, I love #5. I understand how his mind works. He is truly a genius. ❤ Good thing his stepMOM understands as she is one as well. ❤

  9. I think I can relate to #5. One of the best things about me is that I like bacon as well. I also wish someone would give me a gift box containing bacon. What a delicious gift that would be! Right? Brilliant.

  10. It’s funny how he just sort of figured it out, and rolled right on through with it – the questions are requiring personal answers which invaded his sense of privacy, and he rebelled; he finished the damn assignment, but found the loophole which satisfied both him and the administration; answer all questions, but tell them nothing .

    He demonstrates the potential to achieve averageness in life and work. If his future employer should give him a job to do, and he does not like it, he will be adept and just ‘baconize’ the thing. He has developed a fine new skill set. However, if he begins to baconize sex with his future wife, her lawyers will surely baconate his assets.

  11. That is like a bacon Madlib. Love it. Of course the social worker wasn’t concerned because there’s no greater sign of normalcy than loving bacon. He’s very well adjusted. (IYKWIM)

    Thanks for the phat props. I (we) appreciate it.

  12. I think this document demonstrates not only #5’s undying love of bacon, but also his appreciation of just how much of a waste of time this kind of useless paperwork is. You can only hope the bacon obsession fades before he’s required to turn anything in to the IRS.

  13. That was hilarious. I never knew bacon was soooo good. At least you know he has the power of persuasion because I don’t know about you but I really want bacon right now.

  14. This was “baconstic”. I tripped when I read : ‘If I was tiny I would stea bacon’ it ripped me up. U have a clever boy not a smart-ass.

  15. OMG I haven’t laughed like this in a LONG time! I mean… I was snorting like a pig!
    And oh God I love #5!!! If ever I have a kid, I want him/her to be like this…

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