A #5 Interlude, Brought To You By Bacon

If you haven’t checked out Leanne Shirtliffe’s blog Ironic Mom and Chase McFadden’s blog Some Species Eat Their Young go do it right now. They’re both awesomely funny. Funnier than an 8-year-old boy with a speech impediment and a New Jersey accent singing The Offspring’s Self Esteem on Guitar Hero.

I’ll wait.

Recently they teamed up and created a new site called Stuff Kids Write. Go check that one out too, I’ll wait again. I’m good at waiting.

Actually, no, I’m not. I’m terribly impatient.

While digging through the pile of funny crap from the kids that I have saved, looking for something to send them for Stuff Kids Write, I came across a piece that is epic in the truest sense of the word: long and repetitive (which is why I didn’t send this one).

We have a social worker who works full time for the school district, dividing her time among all the elementary schools. At the beginning of this school year, she gave #5’s third-grade class the following project. They worked on it in class. It’s about getting in touch with your feelings, being okay with feeling sad or angry or embarrassed, as well as laying out some hopes and dreams.

That’s the cover. He started off okay. I skipped the first 30 pages (I did mention it was epic, yes?)

He’s not exactly verbose here, but he’s at least answering the questions.

I would like to say something nice to… Dad

I would be happier if…I had money

If I have my own children some day I’ll be sure to… hug them

Right here is where things took a turn.

I just love… bacon

I need more… bacon

If I were older I’d… buy bacon

I would like someone to help me… get bacon

I love to eat… bacon

I don’t like it when… I don’t get bacon

I am very good at… loving bacon

At night I like to… dream about bacon

I’d use a magic want to… get bacon

You can tell when someone likes you by… giving me bacon

If I were a teacher, I would… tell evry body to bring bacon

The best time for me is when… I get bacon

If I had very long legs, I would… walk to bacon

I’m the kind of person who… likes bacon

I look best when… I get bacon

I just love to…get bacon

I wish I could change… my house into bacon

I don’t like it when people… don’t give me bacon

I sometimes wonder if… I will get bacon

I would like to give a present of… bacon to… me.

One of the best things about me is… I like bacon

When I was little… I loved bacon

I like going home because… I get bacon

I feel happy when people… give me bacon

If I were very tiny, I would…steal bacon

I wish someone would give me a gift box containing…bacon

I felt like crying when… I don’t get bacon

We did not receive a call from the social worker, his teacher, or the principal. We are protected by bacon.