Monster Mashup

What’s this? Could it be Halloween?

But there’s no blizzard!

There’s no hurricane!

There’s nary a nor’easter in the forecast!

What’s more, we have power and all the trees in the neighborhood seem to be firmly rooted in the ground. Sweet!

Guess I better get busy buying candy and slashing up our pumpkins.

With the exception of #5, our kids are too damn old to Trick-or-Treat. This isn’t going to stop them, however. My suggestion is that if they come to your house, make them answer a riddle–or, better yet, a grammar question– before handing over candy.

True Story: When I was 8 years old, I was a bride for Halloween. My mom let me wear her wedding veil. The adult in charge who took us Trick-or-Treating (I’m not naming names. This could be anyone.) was going up to the houses along with us, Trick-or-Drinking. When we were about halfway through the neighborhood and I was complaining about being tired, this adult in charge convinced me that I needed to tell people that I was a tired bride. Feel free to Trick-or-Drink and use our children for your own amusement on your rounds tonight. You’re welcome.

You know what’s scary? When you think your kid is faking a cough and it turns out she really has pneumonia. That’s in my post over on Family Fusion Community.

You know what else is scary? Doritos and Raisinettes in your mouth at the same time. Go Jules Go asked me to participate in the evaluation of this flavor combination that won her contest. There may or may not be a shot of Jack’s ass in the video.

You know what else is ~~scary~~ awesome? These engagement pictures that were ruined by the appearance of serial killer Jason Voorhees. ch-ch-ch ah-ah-ah! Thanks, Jolie at aamora for the link!

Here’s a link to some awesome pumpkins: extremepumpkins.com

The bio of (in my opinion) America’s Creepiest Serial Killer: Ed Gein.

And, finally, Marilyn Manson’s version of This is Halloween from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas.

There’s still some time to enter a caption in the contest.

Happy Halloween!

Caption Me, Please

The backstory:

My dogs eat crap they’re not supposed to eat. For a semi-complete listing, click here. Despite our best efforts to keep them away from things like thumbtacks and nail polish, we have a house full of teen girls plus an 11-year-old boy, and the only times our Puggles exhibit any kind of extreme intelligence is when they’re on a mission to eat something bad for them.

This means that sometimes they get chocolate.

Now, before you cart me off to the animal cops, know that these dogs, who can’t be counted upon to catch a piece of meat dropped directly over their heads, are capable of scaling seven feet of vertical wall, creating diversions, and opening zippers (despite their complete absence of thumbs) in order to get contraband that they’ve set their walnut-sized brains on. It’s not like we’re giving chocolate to them on purpose, or that we’re leaving it about the house willy-nilly; it’s that they’re ninjas.

A couple weeks ago Jack got some chocolate. Just part of a Hershey Bar. The doggie equivalent of an 8-ball. He commenced running about the house like he had some really urgent business to attend to and needed to tell us all about it. This went on for a while, and #4 took this picture.

It’s a crappy picture because she has a crappy, non-smart phone. Yes, I’m that parent. Get a job and when you’re 18 you can get your own cell phone contract, and THEN you can buy your own iPhone. Awesome, right?

But no matter how crappy the picture is, it never fails to render me speechless with laughter every time I look at it.

Enter your caption in the comments section below and I’ll pick a winner. The winner will receive something inexpensive but fabulous, most likely a chocolate bar. Probably something a little more exciting than a Hershey Bar, unless that’s your favorite. Contest open until 11:59pm on Thursday, October 31- Halloween!

The Last Time This Will Ever Happen

We were watching the Miss America pageant last month and #5 was waiting for his turn in the shower, dividing his attention between the television screen and spinning around in circles.

He spends an awful lot of time spinning in circles. He also has abs of steel. I do not believe these two things are coincidental. I’m working on him to make his own exercise video, but I need someone else to do the camera work because I get dizzy just watching him.

I heard his sister leave the bathroom while I was in the kitchen and called out to him that he could go in.

No response.

I walked out to find him standing completely still, transfixed, staring at the screen. Bikini-clad Miss America contestants with their million-dollar-smiles, and other assets, paraded across the stage and down the runway, one after the other. Hot American chicks as far as the camera could see.

Me: Hey bud, the shower’s open.

#5: {silence}

Me: Yo. Shower?

#5: {silence}

Me, stepping in front of him: Do you want to stay and watch all the pretty girls in bikinis?

#5: {looks at me, then back at the TV, coming out of his trance} Eww! No!

He ran out of the room. Another beautiful moment of boyhood, never to be repeated again.

Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I met #5’s friend’s parents because of a pickaxe accident? Yeah, that happened. You can read about in my new post over on Family Circle’s Momster blog: Meet the Parents…the Awkward Version.