I Don’t Say. . .

Boy, there was a lot of swearing the last time I was here. I thought about editing it out, but then I thought ah, screw it.

Well, that’s not exactly what I thought. . .

Besides, everything I said then was true (except my erroneous belief that my show at that time would run out the year).


How’s your quarantine?

I’m nonessential. My entire household is unemployed. As a matter of fact, everything I’ve ever done to earn money is currently banned (which sounds a lot more badass if you take it out of context, so please do). Stagehands are well acquainted with the lack of job security in our chosen field, but even so, I always said that all the way at the end of the world they would still need a sound guy. Remember Mars Attacks? Silly me. That was an alien invasion, not a pandemic. Pandemics require only broadcast sound guys.

I’m taking unemployment for the first time in my life. Well, I think I am, anyway. Navigating the New York State Unemployment website is one of the circles of hell (it’s in the middle somewhere, like maybe Four and a Half- between Greed and Anger) and I’m never really sure if what I did took and I haven’t seen the money yet, although it’s possible it’s loaded onto that debit card* that they sent me even though I asked them not to and to just put it in my bank account, please. They do send me a lot of things in the mail, but none of them are money.

I’m not going crazy, not really. I was going crazy before. Before, with the commute and the not enough sleep and the countless doctor’s appointments to figure out why my foot is still screwed up after surgery; with the one day off a week and trying to do all of the life things and failing; being totally drained and not having anything left to give to the people I love. Before, with the not having the energy to workout, or the emotional fortitude to carry on a conversation. That was crazy making. That was rage making.

So I welcome the respite. As an introvert, I’m pretty content (although, there are a large number of people in my home and THEY NEVER GO ANYWHERE!) Before all of this, I would drift away in daydreams and fantasize about being bored. Now I’m neither productive, nor bored. I go back and forth between feeling like I’m living in a bubble, and then being pretty sure that we’re all gonna die and we can’t actually protect ourselves.

I’m cool with it right now.

CC and #5 have been building our patio.

They bust their asses all day, spreading gravel, hauling rocks, sweating.

That’s #5 there on the right. I am not making this up.

My project has been the attic. I’m shredding documents that never needed to be kept in the first place that are 20 years old. I’m currently working on a laundry basket full of random shit that was clearly removed from The Pile en masse in 2006; I’m opening still-sealed mail that’s 14 years old.

In our defense, 2006 was a pretty intense year.

The shredder self-destructed a week ago.

And not to be all sappy and shit, but it’s been a real treat to pretend to be like normal people and have family dinners and take walks and see daylight. The Puggles are so happy to have so many laps home, all the time.

So tell me, how’s your quarantine? What sucks about it? What’s good about it? What’s something that surprises you about it?

Don’t freak out; it’s where we walk the Puggles

Making no promises here about the frequency of posts that may or may not be coming up. I haven’t even decided if I’m going to fix things like the fact that my WordAds appears to be advertising to me to sign back up. But I just wanted to put something out there, and see what comes back.

*Update: The state DID, in fact load it onto that debit card that I didn’t ask for. Unclear yet if it’s real money that I can spend.


13 thoughts on “I Don’t Say. . .

  1. I read you back when my stepmom days had just started for real. My daughter is now 25 with two kids of her own and she calls me just to chat. Thank you for being a voice I could relate to at a time when I was struggling and trying to make sense of what in the heck I was doing.

    1. That is a great thing to hear. Thank you for sharing that with me! I still am struggling and trying to make sense of what the heck I’m doing, but I feel better about it. And also the kids being almost all technically adults now, I can (usually) trust them to not set themselves or each other on fire when I leave the room. Thank you for stopping by!

  2. For what it’s worth, I *also* got a debit card I didn’t ask for. There’s a web site you can log into (key2benefits.com) and see the balance. There’s a “Card to Account Transfer” link once you’re logged in, and you can transfer (up to $500/day, so… multiple transactions, because, why would it be easy) to a checking account with Routing/Acct info.

    Two weeks later, NY finally processed by direct deposit info, and this week it went straight into my checking.

    I’m happy to now know you have this WordPress site.

    1. I tried the transfer thing and it worked! I even spent some of the money! On actual goods/services! I am not holding my breath but I’ll keep on eye on that direct deposit thing.

      Now you know my dirty little WordPress secret. Happy to see you here. Also? I am impressed with your continued ability to put together complete sentences less than one week into a new baby. Well done, sir.

  3. Wow! Like a voice from the last. I’m so glad to read you are back. We’ve been a month into #safe at home and some days I’m fine with it since but other days I get anxious that I’m not getting enough done and maybe I should post to my blog. I mean I should have something to show for this besides completing 2 jigsaw puzzles, making sourdough bread and not having a mental breakdown right?

    1. F-no, that’s big doin’s right there!! Any day above ground is a good day, and not having a mental breakdown trumps all (shit, I can’t even use that word anymore. This is unfair). I think one of the strangest gifts of this whole thing has been the losing, bit by bit, in layers, of measuring myself by productive output (and always falling short). I’m valuing things like breathing, not losing my shit, noticing things. I almost didn’t post this because (not surprisingly) everything on WordPress has changed since I was last doing anything. There are all these fancy things on the layout- and yet, still, sizing the pictures and fonts is exactly the same kinda f’d up as it was three years ago. Go figure. It’s good to see you, and thanks for stopping by!

  4. Feeling a little guilty about continued employment, myself. “The Studio” has been remarkably supportive (or hands off anyway) of our efforts to continue finishing the picture I’m on even as they delayed our release from July to March 2021. Wife is currently Dir Operations for the Healthcare Research division at the old think tank, so she’s SLAMMED.

    Child is booked solid with online “learning.” Generally, she’s a star, and her cuteness and positive attitude are only even approached by that of the (not too) Miniature Pinscher, who is, likewise, pretty happy to have laps and the occasional afternoon visit to the yard for sunbathing.

    And as someone more accustomed to riding the EED train between gigs, I too have noticed that THEY NEVER GO ANYWHERE…

    So nice to hear your voice. Health and comfort to the family. ☮️❤️🧻

    1. Glad to hear you still have somewhat of a gig- and don’t you feel guilty about it one bit. That’s a gift. I did see C’s report of the child’s comment, “Don’t start none, won’t be none!” to the dog and I loved it so much I’ve started to whip it out every so often (it’s way less cute when I do it, but I crack myself up). Be well, all of you, and thanks for stopping by!

  5. I like the back to basics that this is steering me to–spending time with people I love, but not ‘fitting’ time into the day of to-dos and appointments. It’s shaking up how I see my time and priorities, where I put my energy and what messages I send myself…
    I love where you walk the puggles, we seek out cemeteries, libraries, and college campuses when we travel because they are often so beautiful.
    Happy to have found you–giggling my way through your posts 😉

  6. Hi. I’m not sure when/how I started following you. We’re over a month in now and are enjoying it. Bike rides as a family in the middle of the day. Tag in the front yard as a break from “school work.” More time together and less “go-go-no-really-put-on-your—-shoes-now!”
    So hi. Stranger. I’m glad you have a respite from the crazy-making. I quit that particular crazy-making a few months ago after realizing that was actually a valid life choice. I hope many shifts emerge from this such that folks can return to passions, community, and employment with less crazy-making.

    1. I hope this too, very much. I have spent more time outside since March 13 than I have in the last several years, and that needs to change. It’s such a treat to walk places and not be surrounded by buildings (and other people). Thanks for saying hi!


    Ahhh, I’m so glad you’re healthy and getting to spend some time just being home. I had been thinking of you once they canceled Broadway and all the things and OH MY GOD will the rest 2020 be canceled too?!

Comment. It gives me a reason not to clean my house.

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