We’re leaving for work, going out of the house through the garage. It’s cold. CC is wearing a ski cap that covers his ears. I have on the purple fox earmuffs he gave me for Christmas, a gift selection he made without fully considering the ramifications of having to appear next to me in public when I wear them.
The button that opens the garage door is mounted high on the wall. My hands are full and I’ve been having physical therapy on my shoulder since before Christmas and still can’t reach overhead some days.
Me: I can’t hit the button.
CC: Do you want a water?
Me: Do I have a flyswatter?
CC: A water! Do you want a water?
Me: I have a water right here.
I wiggle my water bottle at him. But only at waist level, cause I can’t lift it higher. At this point he practically runs into the garage door, realizes I didn’t hit the button and goes back to push it. We get in the car.
Me: I have a water and I would be willing to share it with you.
CC: You’re in love with the shipwreck of me?
Me: No! I have a water and I would be willing to share it with you!
CC: Oh, good. ‘Cause that was sounding like a Loudin Wainwright song right there.
Me: A Tom Waits bong in midair? Huh, I guess it does kind of sound like Tom Waits. I like that house.
CC: A light mouse?
I point to a house we’re passing in our neighborhood.
CC: Yeah, I like that one too. I really like that tudor behind it though. I’ve always had a fondness for tudors.
I look at him sideways.
Me: Does this mean you’re sleeping with Lucia Roga?
CC: What? No, I’m not sleeping with My Sharona.
Me: No, Lucia Roga! The math tutor?
CC: Why, does she live there?
Me: Tudor? Tutor?
CC: I didn’t know she lives there. That’s ironic.
He smirks. I smack him. I hate it when he turns my own joke back on me.
I flip on the seatwarmers and, as I always do, I sing their theme song. Which I made up. Which goes to the tune of the orginal Transformers cartoon theme song. And also steals most of its lyrics from it.
Me: Ass-warmers! More than meets the eye!
CC: That doesn’t make any sense.
Me: What?
CC: You always sing that song and it doesn’t make any sense.
Me: I’ve been singing the seat warmer theme song since we got this car four years ago and you’ve never known what it is?
CC: Yeah. Because it doesn’t make any sense.
Me, incredulous: It’s the Transformers theme song. You know, the cartoon?
CC: Oh. Now I get it.
Me: I can’t believe you’re just now telling me you never got that. Is this part of your newfound commitment to us improving our communication?
CC: Yeah. Remember when you said back there in the bathroom, ‘I look crazy!’ and I agreed with you? That saved me like twenty minutes trying to argue with you that you don’t look crazy. And you do look crazy, so it’s honest.
Me: Asswarmers! More than meets the eye!
CC: I can see the monkeys, jumping from tree to tree in your eyes.
I adjust my earmuffs.
Me: I can’t hear you. I have foxes in my ears.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
JM Randolph, accidentalstepmom 
I feel slightly less crazy now…
That’s why I’m here.
“I can see the monkeys, jumping from tree to tree in your eyes.”
That is one of the most brilliant yet apt (NOT aped) descriptions of crazy that I have ever heard. Bravo!
And thanks for sharing your own brand of crazy with us. Except that now, I will be forevermore singing that seat warmers song in my own car. Blast!
“NOT aped” *clap clap*
Ditto!
It’s official. This post is the most romantic thing I’ve ever read.
Oh and Happy Valentine’s Day, you two! Glad your butts are snug.
Hmm. Let’s go with.
I’ve decided it’s a good thing, having a warm ass on a cold day.
I am SO in love with you guys — laughed my asswarmer off over the whole post! Now get in there and work on the rest of the lyrics to “I’m in love with the shipwreck of you” — the Wainwrights and/or Tom Waits need a new hit! Happy V-Day, lovebirds!
I think it could be a really good song, if CC wrote it. If I write it, it’s going to sound like the Transformers song.
I think someone here is being a bit of a Decepticon…
Our TV makes this little digital, chirpy tune when you turn it on or off, and every time it does (like five years of every time it does), I say “BAT-TLE-STAR-GA-LAC-TI-CA” in this weird robot voice. KAW just rolls her eyes. But I know she’d be bummed a little if I didn’t do it.
Going to be singing asswarmers song all day long. Thanks.
You’re welcome. I wish my TV chirped. I may just pretend that it does now.
Whenever I’m pregnant, my ability to comprehend speech is diminished greatly. Combine this with the fact that my sound-guy husband is more deaf in his right ear than his left, and you have some VERY interesting car-ride conversations when he’s driving.
By the way, my stock answer now will forever be, “I can’t hear you. I have foxes in my ears.”
I’m more deaf in my right also. I find myself cupping my ear to try to hear people better, like I’m 90 or something. It’s easier just to wear the earmuffs.
Yup, Sounds like two sound guys (gal) having a conversation.
What?
huh?
What? No, there’s no animation.
Bruce is mostly deaf, so our conversations are like that all the time…I seriously feel more NORMAL now, thanks for that 🙂
Well I’m here for that too! Normal or crazy, whichever you need. Good to see you here!
Lately Juan and I have been running while listening to music on our iPhones. He usually finishes far ahead of me. Last night we finished the run and he texted me, “Good job, so proud of us!” I dictated my reply and hit send before I had a chance to proofread what my phone had transcribed. I meant to say, “Yay us!” What Juan received on the other end was “Gay ass.” It seems that humans aren’t the only ones who have a hearing problem.
I’m laughing so hard the kids just came in and were all “what’s so funny?” Damn you, autocorrect!