Ever have one of those weeks where it seems you have all the time in the world to do everything you need to do, plus everything you want to do? A week where each day you wake up before the alarm even goes off and you’re full of energy? A week where absolutely nothing falls through the cracks?
Yeah, me neither.
And so sometimes I don’t post on schedule. Or with substance. I did have a pretty good yoga class this week though.
One of the places I practice yoga is in the city. I had to do a Google Earth search to get a picture of the front of the studio containing what I want to show you, because none of the published images show it.
“It” being the fact that that the yoga studio is on top of a “video” store. Actually, the studio is several floors above it. Frequently there are tour buses that park nearby. Sometimes I have the good fortune of arriving when a group of midwestern show choir kids have lined up to wait for their bus (and please do not misconstrue me; midwestern show choir kids are my people) and I get to wade through them as they are experiencing what appears to be their first viewing of such items as are on display in a “video” store window.
When that happens, it pretty much makes my whole day.
This yoga studio has excellent teachers. Some of them also make me laugh.
Here are some of the yoga zings I’ve heard lately (fill in your own accent, because each teacher has a different one, which I dearly love):
Teacher: There’s no reason to be afraid of bending backwards. Be afraid of hot dogs. And Ho-Ho’s.
Student: What’s a Ho-Ho?
Teacher: I was just asking myself that. What the hell do they put in there, anyway?
********
Teacher: Wait, where are you going, running man? You have to stay in the room all ninety minutes. You’re not leaving, no?
Student: I’m going to throw up.
Teacher: Oh yes, by all means. All vomiting should be done in the restroom.
The student returned from the restroom and finished the class, and ever after was referred to as vomiting man instead of running man.
*********
Teacher: Just breathe. Don’t go to the crazy place, people.
*********
Another admonition about backbends:
Teacher: Don’t be afraid of backbends, people. Be afraid of fried chicken. Be afraid of green jello that your mom makes and puts cat food in it instead of something else.
**********
And finally, the dry erase board. I so wish I had a picture of the drawing they had done- a crocodile in bed with come-hither eyes. The caption read:
If you invite a crocodile into your bed, don’t be mad at the crocodile when it bites you in the ass. Namaste.
**********
Have you heard any good one-liners lately? Gotten any good advice? How’s your week going?
JM Randolph, accidentalstepmom 
Namaste indeed.
My favorite yoga teacher always says “whatever is available to you” instead of “what you can.”
Your teachers sound hilarious!
Great post, as always.
I like “whatever is available to you”. That’s a good one!
Those are just great!! Loved the post. The one I posted a while ago is good, not really funny: http://natashadevalia.com/2011/08/03/952/
Excellent advice- I like your post!
Who knew Bikram yogis were so funny?? I think your yoga place is right nearby my father in law’s place, as I swear I’ve seen that exact doorfront! As for this week in all its calm serenity — well, it’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m emailing/debating on what camera to buy/making lists because my mind is racing too much to sleep. So … I feel you, JM! and thanks for the laugh!!
That’s funny! I like to look at it from across the street. It’s also next door to a bar. So you have the video store clientele and the bar patrons and then four floors up all these crazy people sweating their faces off and doing yoga. Hope your lists came out well.
awesome!!!
My bacon loving 6 year old…Jack.
Me: Behind the wheel of the golf cart waiting on my husband with Jack on the back..
Husband comes out.
Him: “Move over I’m driving.”
Me: As I’m sliding over, “Why must you always be the driver.”
Jack: “DAD, Why do you always STEAL THE WHEEL?!!”
Jack has a way with words!
I want your yoga teacher. Only I’m afraid of what my nickname would be. I’m guessing it would be “Fallen tree.”
Namaste.
I could be fallen tree too. Or fallen triangle (or would that just be “pile of lines”?).
Namaste.
I’ll just say I’m ready for this here week to be over . . . oh, and that I loved these zingers! These are pretty much not what I would’ve expected from a yoga class. Maybe I should give yoga a shot after all! 😉
Apparently I was ready for the week to be over too, being that it took me a whole week to make it back to my blog. Sheesh! You should totally give yoga a try! I’m a big fan.
Thank God my mother never made the ‘green’ jello! I think kids will accept whatever you put into the green stuff, because you can just call it ghost slime or alien poop, and they’ll eat it and spit it out and lap it back up again. Much like puking cats. Hence, catfood in green jello. And now, we’ve looped back…Wow. Those Yogi teachers really get it.
You are brilliant. Have you ever thought of being a kindergarten teacher? This comment made my day.
I feel like I’m getting the best deal here, because I get the zings without the sweating.
I don’t have a one-liner, but here’s a new joke from Peppermeister: A blonde and brunette were hanging out at night. The brunette asked the blonde, “What do you think is farther away, the moon or Florida?” The blonde replied, “Duh. You can’t SEE Florida.”
Well duh, you TOTALLY can’t see Florida! Some days, Mars is even closer than Florida.
Um, speaking of. . . I may be dangerously close to throwing down a public challenge to get you into a Bikram class. And, of course, we would both write about it. 🙂
As I don’t do yoga (time constraints) I have no great one-liners. Yours sound fantastic though.
However, I did have a week last week where by the end of it my brain was hurting……. SO….. if you ever find the secret to having those days you described in your opening paragraph – can you PLEASE send be a bottled sample!
I did, however, tell my boss to “get …….” today when he called the system I am responsible for a “sh|t system”. He said it was a good answer – showed I’d taken ownership. Gotta love Australia!
Australians are awesome. You could never get away with that in, say, Edmonton. Or Nebraska. My secret to those days is actually a work out of some sort, followed by chocolate, followed by (if need be) a break from my self-imposed blog deadlines. I feel you, sister!
Ha! 🙂 Your yoga teacher just brought “candid” to a different level.
You really never know what you’re going to get there. I didn’t expect to laugh so much in that class.
I’ve always wanted to try Bikram yoga – I love the look of this video store/yoga joint. Loved your blog 🙂
Give it a try- I’m a huge fan! I was way too angry when I started it to do any peaceful type yoga.
I’m going to make a little sign to hang on my office wall that says “Don’t go to the crazy place, people.”
That just may be my all time favorite quote!
Those are some awesome yoga teachers. Poor vomiting man…that must have been a rough one.
Also, it’s nice to know they still have ‘video’ stores in midtown and that that whole area hasn’t been completely sanitized to death.
It was his first class- can you believe it? And, he came back and finished! It is strangely refreshing, isn’t it, to still have some of the dens of iniquity around. Your comment got trapped in my spam filter for some reason. I’m guessing they know what “video” means.
mind if i share?
I love sharing!