Yeah, I know this is a day late for Earth Day. I was hoping my kids would do something heartwarming to celebrate Earth Day that I could report, some new way of showing concern for the environment, an Earth Awareness that would put me to shame, or hell, even something funny. They completely failed me though, thereby failing you, and the entire planet.

The only kid that did any observation of Earth Day was #3, who wore the Earth Day shirt she made at school last year. Being that she made it when she was twelve, and now she’s thirteen and a half, let’s just say she’s very impressed with. . . how differently it fits her this year. She wore the shirt while dutifully carrying out her chore of the day, which was cleaning all the bins and shelves from the refrigerator. With bleach.

I’m pretty sure all the other kids were chucking alkaline batteries down storm drains and melting water bottles with Zippo lighters.

My kids are obsessed with water bottles. The plastic, disposable, bad-for-the-entire-universe-not-just-our-planet kind. What can I say? Marketing works (hello, Aquapod people? Bite me). But there comes a time when even I can’t ignore something anymore, in this case the mind-boggling quantity of plastic bottles we were going through on a daily basis. Yes, we recycle them, but in New Jersey (a.k.a. The Soprano State), that doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t end up in the same landfill as the trash. So a while back I spent a small fortune on stainless steel, eco-friendly water bottles. Everyone got their own in their favorite color. I got some extras. These were Their Water Bottles Forever. No more plastic.

They hated them. They fought me every step of the way. They would “forget” them, in school, in their lockers, in someone else’s car, under the bed, whatever. And hit me up for money for a bottle of water.

I actually suggested to #2 one day that she take a cup with her and fill it up at the water fountain at school since she didn’t know where her water bottle was. She went back upstairs and got her allowance money instead, and has had the decency not to remind me what an ass I am ever since. At least about that.

Over time, their feelings about reusable water bottles changed. Various incarnations are showing up now at the Dollar Store (and the Five Dollar Store– does anyone else have that? It’s new). They like the ones with the crazy designs on them.

The ones, which, when you put them in the dishwasher, start peeling paint. Rather than releasing BPA particles into the environment, they release little bits of toxic paint onto your lips, into your water. Awesome.

Don’t tell me they’re not supposed to go in the dishwasher. That’s the only chance in hell I have of killing the vomit bug that is always going around. Always. #4 is laying on the couch with a bucket as we speak.

Meanwhile, the four large, plain old stainless steel ones with no paint at all on them that I bought for CC and I? Have no idea what they did with those. I wouldn’t be surprised if #2 has them tucked away in a secret place and laughs maniacally every time I’m slamming around the kitchen because I can’t find a water bottle. That’s what I would do if I were her.

Happy Frickin’ Earth Day.