Dog Vomit & Vibrators

So I attended the BlogHer ’12 conference in New York City last week. I decided to go at the last minute and could attend only Saturday. The hotel was about four blocks from where I work, so it didn’t really change my commute. Just had me getting up godawful early on a day that I normally don’t have to.

Somewhere around 4:30am I awoke to the unmistakable sound of a dog throwing up very near me. I cracked an eyelid, saw Jack hurling away on top of the covers, stumbled out for paper towels, cleaned it up and went back to sleep for forty-five minutes. Then I hit snooze for- I don’t know, a while, until I was coherent enough to remember I had to get up. And then stepped out of bed right into a bonus pile of dog vomit Jack had thoughtfully left for me as a surprise.

I went for the shower.

I got to the train station in time to catch the train that I had checked on three times before I left, but- as hard as this may be to believe- New Jersey Transit provided erroneous information and that train didn’t exist. Killing forty-five minutes at Seacaucus Junction isn’t nearly as sexy as it sounds. And believe me, I know exactly how unsexy it sounds.

There was a brief shining moment during a text exchange with Jules from GoJulesGo where we thought that we might end up on the same train as it came through, but alas, it was not to be.

Speaking of Jules, she’s pretty and funny and likes to hand out moustaches to people.   Click here to see me in a moustache. With sunglasses.

Do you want to know, or want other people to know, How Not to be an Asshole in New York City?

Our afternoon. The Perrier is mine. None of these people drank as much as I expected them to.

Go click on that link. Do it, or you’re an asshole. I met Jen, the author of that post, twice for about thirty seconds and loved her right away. I wish they handed this post out at the airport with the pamphlet about the taxi fares. I wish I wrote it.

I spent slightly more time with Johi, enough to know that I covet her boots and I want to be her when I grow up. Although that implies that Johi is grown up, which she totally isn’t. I mean, she’s an adult and all, but she’s not, like, boring. She probably pays her bills and stuff and doesn’t let wolves babysit her children. Or Ted Nugent. Ted babysitting her children, not wolves babysitting Ted.

Though she might play her kids a little Wango Tango every now and then, I mean I do. Doesn’t everybody?

Anyway. Johi freakin’ met The Pioneer Woman!  She almost died getting into the city. Johi, that is, not The Pioneer Woman, whom I cannot speak for and didn’t meet. Twice, if you count the cab ride out of the airport, which I totally do. Twice Johi almost dying, not twice me not meeting The Pioneer Woman. *sigh* I’m not doing well kicking coffee this time around. Go read Johi’s blog because she’s freaking cooler than The Pioneer Woman. Do You Remember That Time I Almost Died?

OH MAN!!! I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THE CAKE!!

What would be better than a cool policeman cake for a six-year-old’s birthday party? An Axe Cop cake, that’s what. Yeah, with severed bad guy heads and comic panels. Leigh Henderson’s edible art blog: Axe Cop Cake. If you don’t click on the link, I’m quite sure you’re breaking a law somewhere and you’ll have to deal with Axe Cop on your own, in a dark alley, when you least expect it.

I met Thoughtsy from Thoughts Appear. She hauled ass on a train from a long way away to get there for just Saturday.  She had candy-infused vodka and if I could have done it without being creepy, I would have cut her arms off and sewed them on to my body because they’re so buff. Thoughtsy, don’t fret; I totally would give you my arms in exchange. I wouldn’t leave you armless. She recently moved in to a house full of boys and is learning a thing or two, like about The Pee Splash Zone.

Misty from Misty’s Laws was a joy. Completely anonymous on her blog, she’s witty and snarky without being a jerk. How the hell does she do that? I loved her. I loved her necklace.

I loved that she showed us where all the good swag was at the Expo, like the free vibrators. Misty’s nickname is Ninja Snap. She does a Weekly Whacked series on her blog with pictures of the badly dressed of Baltimore (or wherever she happens to be that week). She almost never, ever gets caught snapping. I’m linking to this post because it includes the Squirrel Car, and a unicycle.

What?

Why, yes, I did mention vibrators. Even if you live under a rock like me, you’re probably aware that Trojan (the condom folks) have come out with a line of vibrators. I think you can buy these in the drug store? Thanks to the best twelve bucks my husband ever spent, I don’t spend any time in the condom aisle anymore. Anyway, Trojan had a booth in the secret room of the Expo where they were displaying their line, so to speak. Those of us that got there on Saturday were lucky to get the last ones.

The representative (male) was heard to remark “Yeah, we brought like, four hundred of these, I can’t believe they went so fast!”

Really. At a conference of close to 5,000 largely female bloggers. I’m shocked, too.

So I did what anyone else would do and took my vibrator to work that night.

I wasn’t expecting it to be a community effort, but it was remarkably difficult to get into the packaging, and then figure out where the (included! Thank you, Trojan) battery went. Luckily help, and an instruction manual, were available.

Follow this guy on Twitter. @Dominic1110

What you can’t see in the picture are the six other people in the office shouting instructions to us. We ladies were a little suspicious of the 1-AA battery design, but after loading it up and testing it on our temples to relieve headaches we figured it probably would do the job after all.

I met some other excellent people, like Amy from Adventures in Babysitting Men; Rachael from The Variegated Life who was wearing her very well-behaved baby; Jill Vaughn at Terra Savvy- Your Resource For Living Well; Dominique at Mixed Threads Blog– Living, loving and eating well- all in the heart of Chicago; Robin from Sunbonnet Smart– Depression Skills for Recession Setbacks, and the beautiful Jenny Gill who wrote this really excellent post called The One About Breastfeeding.

And that was One & Done Sunday, with extras. Happy Sunday.

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20 thoughts on “Dog Vomit & Vibrators

  1. 1.) The title of this post is amazing (sometimes, aren’t you glad stuff like dog vomit happens because you can blog about it? …Just a little?).
    2.) You called me funny. I can die now.
    3.) I had no idea you met so many other bloggers while we were there!
    4.) I’ve been thinking about your champagne from Jesus ever since you mentioned it on my blog. I just thought you should know that.

  2. I’m nominating you for the Reader Appreciation Award, and the Beautiful Blogger Award. I really enjoy your blog! If you accept, you get to nominate 7 others, and tell your readers 7 facts about yourself.

  3. LOVE that you got to the conference and got to meet so many amazing bloggers. Even more I love that you took your vibrator to work! ha ha

  4. Can you believe how difficult it was to get that vibrator out of the packaging??? I swear I sliced my finger open.

    Loved meeting you! This write-up is awesome, thanks for including me and introducing me to so many new to me bloggers!

  5. I wish that I would have been less dehydrated and a bit more socially capable when I met you all. It is good to know that people pick up on the fact that I am not yet (and never will be) a grown up within minutes of meeting me. I suppose that my job here is done.

    But seriously, I have a friend who knows Ted Nugent and I would actually consider leaving my boys on his ranch for an afternoon so that I could go nap. They would probably be able to properly use a gun, a knife and drive an ATV when I collected them. And I pay MOST of my bills on time, unless I spend the bill money on shoes.

  6. Sounds like you met some amazing people at the conference. I’ll be sure to click on the New York link as soon as I decide if I care whether or not I’m an asshole when I go there. 🙂

    Thanks for the links and for telling us about your conference.

  7. Finally! I’m back from travel and can catch up on your blog.

    It’s funny because you’re not the first person to comment on my arms. I had no idea they were that nice. I’ll trade you my arms for your hair. Deal?

  8. It was lovely to meet you, albeit briefly. I did enjoy that workshop, too — learned a lot, though I haven’t used any of it yet. Should have spent more time meeting more people at BlogHer, though — sounds like you had a good time. If I make it to Chicago, I’ll spend more time just hanging out.

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