Oh, there you are!

CC mentioned to me on our way in to work the other day that I needed to put a post up explaining myself and my absence. As if somehow I were unaware that I haven’t posted on this blog, Facebook and Twitter for like three weeks now.

He said I needed to let the people who follow my blog know what’s going on. Apparently both of you are worried about me.

So here’s a story:

I go in to the city early one day to hit a yoga class before work. I drop my bags at my work area and go into the bathroom. Remember that I work in a theater.

The bathroom is in the basement and is, as my sister would call it, a one-butt bathroom. I d0 what I need to do, wash up and go to leave. I grab the doorknob, pop the lock and turn.

The doorknob spins in my hand. Loosely. Ineffectively. I would go so far as to call it impotent and flaccid, even though it’s a doorknob. The doorknob isn’t doing a goddamn thing. The door is still closed, and, somehow, still locked, even with a freely spinning doorknob.

Okay, I think, no biggie. I’ve been locked in far worse bathrooms than this. Plus, I’m a stagehand. Oh, wait. All my tools are at my work area. Not in here with me. As is my cell phone. Crap.

So I dig around the bathroom and find. . . a roll of paper towels. That’s it. No pipe wrench. No random screwdriver. Not even a goddamn plunger.

I start yelling and banging on the door to try to get someone’s attention, because people are actually in the building even though it’s the middle of the afternoon. The only thing is that I’m in the basement. They’re on stage, rehearsing. Far, far away.

I may as well be on the moon.

And suddenly I’m pissed, you know? I get dinner made early, I arrange a babysitter early, I pay extra for early parking all to come in early and take this goddamn yoga class and now I’m stuck in the frickin’ bathroom? Are you kidding me?

I’ll be damned if some doorknob is going to steal my peace.

So I start kicking the crap out of the doorknob. It takes a little while, but eventually the doorframe bends, the knob breaks off and I am free and I have exactly five minutes to haul ass down 8th avenue to get to my yoga class.

I drop the pieces of the doorknob off at the stage door on my way out and tell our doorman, Gus, what happened, apologizing as sincerely and as fast as I can.

I make my yoga class.

When I come back I have to endure a rash of crap from lots of people for breaking the bathroom door and leaving.

House Head Carpenter: I don’t get it. I don’t understand how you were locked in. The doorknob still works.

Me: But it came off! Completely! That’s how I got out.

House Head Carpenter: The door’s bent now where you kicked it, but nothing’s wrong with the doorknob. Even though it broke off.

Me: Dude. I don’t know what to tell you. I was locked the hell in. For like twenty minutes. 

House Head Carpenter: I’ll replace it, I’m just saying it still works. Don’t kick me.


None of this has anything to do with my absence from all things social media. But it does explain these:

What it used to be like
What it's like now

The old doorknob is still on the door and sometimes I forget and try to lock it instead of using the latch.

Don’t let anybody steal your peace.


39 thoughts on “Oh, there you are!

  1. I HAVE been wondering about you! And worrying about you! So at least you’re still, like, sitting up and taking nourishment. Phew. Whatever it was… I’m glad you’re back. I was wondering as I read your story if you were going to say that you were locked in the bathroom for days and had to saw off your own arm with a pickle fork or something. Not that there would have been any reason to do that. But I’m totally sorry about that door thing. Sucks.

  2. Omigosh! That is outstanding! Nd I did notice you were MIA. Glad to know you were notvstucknin the crapper for three weeks! 😉

  3. Glad you posted; was wondering why you hadn’t been writing in.

    I was shuddering my way through this; I’m claustrophobic and I recently had a similar experience. In my case, the culprit was a rusted latch (apparently the replaced latch was on top; at eye height for someone who evidently isn’t my height) although I did have my phone on me. Calling people didn’t help; short of sawing down the door they couldn’t do anything (iron doorframes). Panic turned me into an idiot but eventually, fingers bloodied, I did manage to slide that damn bolt. Good to see you kept your wits enough to break that door down. And please lock the Head House Carpenter into a bathroom for twenty minutes next time he mentions the allegedly functional doorknob.

    1. Oh man, a rusted latch would’ve freaked me out! I like our carpenter too much to lock him in a bathroom. Plus, he’s a real stagehand and probably would have his tools on him.

  4. Yep, noticed you were missing. Figured it meant you couldn’t get out of the bathroom. Or Santa had called you for help. Or alien ninja monkeys had kidnapped you to teach them how to bake.

    Great job with the door, I would have done the same thing, and I might have kicked the first person that teased me about as well. Always best to make the first one an example. Just saying.

    Great to have you back. Happy holidays 🙂

  5. Did you kick the head carpenter after he said that to you? I would have. If I was locked in a bathroom in a basement for five minutes I would have freaked out completely (very claustrophobic). I am happy you escaped and lived to tell us about it!

    1. I was more pissed off about potentially missing my yoga class than I was panicking about being locked in a small space. Which is incredibly unlike me. But since being pissed off is what let me kick the doorknob off I guess it worked out 🙂

  6. I think the carpenter is overlooking the fact that you could have been stuck down there forever. You could have starved to death. There aren’t any nutrients in TP. Thank goodness you made it out alive.

    Hope you have a wonderful (and unconfined) holiday!

  7. I once freaked out because I couldn’t open the door of a loaner car I had while my car was in the shop. Similar situation. The door handle moved but the door stayed closed, and the locks were not set. It took me about five minutes of struggling and rattling the door before it would open and then I was wary of getting back in. When I was asked if the loaner had any problems, I definitely had something to say.

    1. I think that would freak me out even more than being stuck in the bathroom. I would start worrying that the car was haunted and would begin hurtling me to my death at any moment.

  8. LOL Oh man, JM. You kick so much more than door knobs (and by that I mean a*s). I think I would have had a panic attack in the first three minutes. And you still got to your yoga class! You’re my hero.

  9. You are a superhero! I knew I wasnt the only one missing you. Thanks CC! Glad to hear from you again although I thought you were going to say you were trapped in the bathroom overnight or that you injured yourself trying to get out. I am so glad you made it to yoga. Have a peaceful holiday!

  10. I’m not sure what makes you more kick a$$, the fact that you get up early to do yoga, and then basically power walk to get there, or the fact that you *kicked in a door.* I’ve never done either of those things. Although I’d venture to say it’s more likely that I will someday have to kick in a door, than I’ll get up early to do yoga.

    1. That was my second time kicking in a door. The first time had something to do with #5 and probably I should post about it. For the record, regular household interior doors are a piece of cake to kick in and anybody can do it. Theater basement doors are a bit more challenging.

  11. See now, darling? There are a LOT more than two of us … and we have been missing you, that is, when we can pull our own heads out of the swamp and come up for air! I love that you can even THINK about blogging with five kids, a career in theatre, the holidays and oh yeah, yoga. The thing I always tell myself I should be doing & never do… I’m in awe of you! (and ps. it’s the JOB of maintenance men/people to tell you that nothing really would need maintenance if you weren’t so helpless/destructive) … HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

  12. I love that you kicked the crap out of that door knob before yoga class. And I’m also glad that I’m not the only one who takes a week, or two or three, off from blogging. If only anyone noticed! 🙂

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