To all of you parents out there who are leading your children to believe that the Tooth Fairy steals silently in the window at night while they dream, drips glitter in her wake and exchanges, via magic, five dollars for their precious, well-cared-for, and dramatically-parted-with teeth: STOP IT! What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many teeth children will lose before they have all their permanent teeth? Twenty. Twenty! There are multiple children in my house losing teeth at the same time, plus one in braces, and you people are trying to break me with your five dollars per tooth nonsense. Add it up.
The kids are constantly telling us how the Tooth Fairy left someone in their class five dollars, or seven dollars, or a Nintendo DS, or a pony. For five bucks, the Tooth Fairy better be sliding in some pre-orthodontia. Two bucks is the going rate in our house, unless the tooth has a cavity, in which case you get nada.
I am the world’s worst Tooth Fairy. That’s not entirely correct: CC and I together are the world’s worst Tooth Fairy.
The kids lose their teeth when we’re not around. I have never, not once, been present for the losing of a tooth when it wasn’t forcibly removed by the dentist. I don’t even know if they’re telling the truth about losing the teeth or not because I can’t keep the holes in their mouths straight and? The kids have this uncanny ability to actually lose the teeth that have come out of their mouths. When I was a kid I never had a tooth just up and go missing. It’s beyond my comprehension.
Believers don’t understand why they need to tell their parents they’ve lost a tooth because they think the Tooth Fairy has it all under control. Even when we do get notified, we forget, or else we don’t have any money on us because they already took it all.
Saturday #5 lost a tooth and didn’t tell us. I only found out about it when he woke up sad on Sunday morning. Luckily we have a whole backstory to cover the Tooth Fairy’s ass. Or throw her under the bus, depending on how you look at it.
#5: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come again.
CC: Son, the Tooth Fairy is the most unreliable of all the Fairies.
Me: Yes, she graduated at the bottom of her class in Fairy School.
CC: She totally would have flunked out if Santa didn’t help her cheat on the final.
Me: Because she never studied for her Fairy tests.
CC: She couldn’t; she was drunk.
Me: That may be why she didn’t come last night. She may have been too drunk.
CC: He. The Tooth Fairy is actually a man, did you know that?
Me: Yeah, he wears a cheap, ripped up tutu and you can see his leg hair through his tights because he doesn’t shave his legs.
CC: And his wand is bent.
#5: How do you know?
Me: Some nights he wanders in here when none of you guys have even lost a tooth, smelling like cheap whiskey and cigarettes and asks if I can break a twenty.
CC: Then he goes home to his tooth room and rolls around on top of his pile of teeth until he passes out. I’m sure that’s what happened.
Me: Why don’t you go put it back under your pillow and try again tonight?
#5 looked skeptical, but took his tooth in its little plastic bag and walked towards his room. Then he turned around.
#5: Do you think maybe the Tooth Fairy will leave three dollars for this tooth because it has blood on it?
Me: There’s blood on most teeth when they fall out. When I was a kid the Tooth Fairy left a quarter.
#5: Yeah, well I think money wasn’t worth very much back then.
I came to find out that in actuality, #1 pulled his tooth out for him. He told me this when the Tooth Fairy didn’t show up for the second night in a row. #5 is willing to place the blame anywhere else so as to exonerate the Tooth Fairy and preserve the money that he knows is coming to him, provided he can keep the Tooth Fairy sort of sober and not pissed off at him. It’s a valuable life skill and I am glad I can help him learn it at such young age.
#5: I bet that the Tooth Fairy has a calendar of when you’re supposed to lose the tooth, and because my sister pulled my tooth out, the Tooth Fairy didn’t know it was out yet. I bet that’s what happened.
Me: I bet you’re right. I’m sure that’s exactly what happened. This is all your sister’s fault, don’t you think?
Me: Right, it usually is. But I bet he comes tonight. There’s no way she could have pulled that tooth out of your head more than two days ahead of schedule.
#5: Right. It wouldn’t have come out, right?
I’ve got to go out now and get change because it’s the third night, and even a drunk gets it right sometimes.