The Most Unreliable of All the Fairies

You people are costing me a hundred bucks! Per kid!

To all of you parents out there who are leading your children to believe that the Tooth Fairy steals silently in the window at night while they dream, drips glitter in her wake and exchanges, via magic, five dollars for their precious, well-cared-for, and dramatically-parted-with teeth: STOP IT! What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many teeth children will lose before they have all their permanent teeth? Twenty. Twenty! There are multiple children in my house losing teeth at the same time, plus one in braces, and you people are trying to break me with your five dollars per tooth nonsense. Add it up.

The kids are constantly telling us how the Tooth Fairy left someone in their class five dollars, or seven dollars, or a Nintendo DS, or a pony. For five bucks, the Tooth Fairy better be sliding in some pre-orthodontia. Two bucks is the going rate in our house, unless the tooth has a cavity, in which case you get nada.

I am the world’s worst Tooth Fairy. That’s not entirely correct: CC and I together are the world’s worst Tooth Fairy.

The kids lose their teeth when we’re not around. I have never, not once, been present for the losing of a tooth when it wasn’t forcibly removed by the dentist. I don’t even know if they’re telling the truth about losing the teeth or not because I can’t keep the holes in their mouths straight and? The kids have this uncanny ability to actually lose the teeth that have come out of their mouths. When I was a kid I never had a tooth just up and go missing. It’s beyond my comprehension.

Believers don’t understand why they need to tell their parents they’ve lost a tooth because they think the Tooth Fairy has it all under control. Even when we do get notified, we forget, or else we don’t have any money on us because they already took it all.

Saturday #5 lost a tooth and didn’t tell us. I only found out about it when he woke up sad on Sunday morning. Luckily we have a whole backstory to cover the Tooth Fairy’s ass. Or throw her under the bus, depending on how you look at it.

#5: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come again.

CC: Son, the Tooth Fairy is the most unreliable of all the Fairies.

Me: Yes, she graduated at the bottom of her class in Fairy School.

CC: She totally would have flunked out if Santa didn’t help her cheat on the final.

Me: Because she never studied for her Fairy tests.

CC: She couldn’t; she was drunk.

Me: That may be why she didn’t come last night. She may have been too drunk.

CC: He. The Tooth Fairy is actually a man, did you know that?

Me: Yeah, he wears a cheap, ripped up tutu and you can see his leg hair through his tights because he doesn’t shave his legs.

CC: And his wand is bent.

#5: How do you know?

Me: Some nights he wanders in here when none of you guys have even lost a tooth, smelling like cheap whiskey and cigarettes and asks if I can break a twenty.

CC: Then he goes home to his tooth room and rolls around on top of his pile of teeth until he passes out. I’m sure that’s what happened.

Me: Why don’t you go put it back under your pillow and try again tonight?

#5 looked skeptical, but took his tooth in its little plastic bag and walked towards his room. Then he turned around.

#5: Do you think maybe the Tooth Fairy will leave three dollars for this tooth because it has blood on it?

Me: There’s blood on most teeth when they fall out. When I was a kid the Tooth Fairy left a quarter.

#5: Yeah, well I think money wasn’t worth very much back then.

I came to find out that in actuality, #1 pulled his tooth out for him. He told me this when the Tooth Fairy didn’t show up for the second night in a row. #5 is willing to place the blame anywhere else so as to exonerate the Tooth Fairy and preserve the money that he knows is coming to him, provided he can keep the Tooth Fairy sort of sober and not pissed off at him. It’s a valuable life skill and I am glad I can help him learn it at such young age.

#5: I bet that the Tooth Fairy has a calendar of when you’re supposed to lose the tooth, and because my sister pulled my tooth out, the Tooth Fairy didn’t know it was out yet. I bet that’s what happened.

Me: I bet you’re right. I’m sure that’s exactly what happened. This is all your sister’s fault, don’t you think?

#5: Probably.

Me: Right, it usually is. But I bet he comes tonight. There’s no way she could have pulled that tooth out of your head more than two days ahead of schedule.

#5: Right. It wouldn’t have come out, right?

Me: Right.

I’ve got to go out now and get change because it’s the third night, and even a drunk gets it right sometimes.


46 thoughts on “The Most Unreliable of All the Fairies

  1. lol… the tooth fairy has only found our house a couple of times throughout our 3 children. That failry is SO unreliable!!!

  2. 1. There is only one tooth somewhere in the mouth that is worth $5.
    2. I’m totally stealing the “if there’s a cavity it’s worth nothing” thing.
    3. The tooth fairy only pays if there is a tooth present because how else do they create the tooth buds to give to babies? Do these kids seriously want babies that never grow teeth? Come on!
    4. I’m also stealing the “tooth fairy is a drunk” thing, if only because it makes me laugh.

  3. LOL… my excuse was the tooth fairy had nights for boys and nights for girls ( and if I still forgot she was on holiday ). And I gave 20p per tooth unless it was a big tooth and then it was £1.00.
    I know I’m a cruel parent 🙂

  4. How much do you get for wisdom teeth that are forcibly removed under conscious sedation? A Louis Vuitton handbag, right? And if the tooth fairy is that unreliable, I should probably just stop by and pick it up myself on the way home from my dentist appointment tomorrow.

  5. LOL
    Good grief $5 a tooth?! Our kids get 50 cents for a front tooth and $1 for a molar. And that’s New Zealand dollars! Do like the idea of getting nothing if there is a cavity.

  6. What an amusing story about the Tooth Fairy. The whole thing does get a bit out of hand. I always did the tooth fairy thing with my daughter, mainly because my mother (God bless her) made a tooth fairy pillow in which to put the tooth. My daughter, to her credit, didn’t do the tooth fairy. Lost teeth were just out. Period. My granddaughters have been no worse the wear for it.

  7. The Tooth Fairy used to leave my boys cash in their savings accounts. It took all the joy and excitement out of the equation. Good times, good times.

  8. You are my new favorite blogger! I always thought I must be the worst stepmom ever. Now I know that I might be normal.

    I missed the tooth fairy years with my acquired child however I do have to deal with the following:

    Her: “So-and-so’s mom bought her a Coach purse! Why can’t I have one???”
    Me: “So-and-so doesn’t have a car. Let’s trade your car in for a Coach purse and then you will be just like her.”

  9. That is hilarious. We do $1 a tooth. My husband does it bc I am usually asleep before my son bc I’m just cool like that.
    I think when #5 is older and has kids…one night, when he’s quietly slipping money under their pillows…he’s going to suddenly remember this conversation with his parents about the drunken tooth fairy…and have to run out of the bedroom before he laughs out loud and blows his cover. Too funny.

  10. I got a quarter a tooth, and I liked it. But – this may help – I had to put the tooth in a specially-designed tooth holder. And I had to ask my parents for said tooth-holder. So maybe that would work…? “The Failure Fairy has asked that we use … his… pre-approved tooth holders, and since you guys lose the teeth, he wants us to hold on to the tooth holders until they’re needed.” Godspeed.

  11. These days the Tooth Fairy probably has to pay a medical waste disposal fee for getting rid of the teeth, so you should tell your kids they need to pay up every time they lose a tooth or else the Tooth Fairy won’t take it away for them.

  12. No way does the Tooth Fairy pay up when there is no tooth!
    Now you know that other people’s kids are saying, “but #5 got paid even when he lost his tooth!” You have upped the neighborhood ante, and now karma is out to get you with the $5 surcharge!

  13. I am so glad that what I am hearing back from everyone is that 1) five dollars is ridiculous and I don’t have to feel bad about not forking that over 2) everybody else forgets too and 3) no tooth = no dough! I’m feeling much better about myself this morning. Except I have to confess that we gave #5 three dollars the other night, solely due to my guilt.

  14. Everytime I read your blog I feel as though you’re writing about us. This is a conversation we would had with our kid. We may have added that the Tooth Fairy is Mexican and got deported (I can say this). Also $5.00?! WTF? These people have to stop. I can buy a pack of cigs or a pint of brandy for $5.00.
    Also, teaching your kids that you need to keep a drunk from becoming pissed off is valuable advice. I, too, believe it’s important to teach kids skills they’re actually going to need.

    1. I like that she gets deported. I don’t think I can get away with that one. Maybe I’ll start slipping a pack of smokes under the pillow. I’m all about the lifeskills.

  15. I love the new and improved image of the tooth fairy you all concocted. Under stress, that, too! 🙂

    When my daughter lost her first tooth, the tooth fairy (she’s a geek in my house), left her a shiny new quarter and a shiny pen — so my daughter would learn to write more neatly, which may fetch her next lost tooth a better price from the fairy.

  16. Our Canadian tooth fairy sucks too, she drinks tequila in mexico alot and gets lost on the way back home…ok, it worked the first couple of times. Kids are just too damn smart.

  17. I heard the Tooth Fairy was having an affair with Santa these days, anyway. Which makes more sense now that I know she’s also a lush. It takes the little home-wrecker longer to arrive because it’s in Santa’s borrowed sleigh from the North Pole, the Reindeer are lazy and hate her guts anyway, and they can’t afford to buy new ones because all their money is now tied up in lawyers fees and court costs. And forget the Elves getting an education; the toys will be REALLY crappy from now on. This may also give useful, real life lessons for the kids. And help to lower their expectations come chrissmas time ;D

  18. I’m glad I’m not the only one who sucks as a tooth fairy. My kids are more gullible. I’m usually able to palm the $1 (not $5, WTH?) and rummage around in the covers or behind the bed and “discover” it where it’s obviously fallen off the bed while the kid was sleeping.

  19. You are so funny! 🙂 I’m totally with you about the price of teeth these days. I think we’ll be doing gold dollar coins, 1 or 2. Need to figure that out. Can I also tell you how much I appreciated you including the tooth diagram? I’m forever wishing I knew which tooth was which. I only know lateral incisor because that’s what my son is having extracted next week. Oh, and if you are ever in need of a good tooth resource, I’ve found this Mom’s Guide to be a super helpful reference for various stages of kids’ tooth care.

Comment. It gives me a reason not to clean my house.

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