Full-Assed Friday: Ray St. Ray, The Singing Cab Driver

You may or may not have noticed that the tag line for this blog is adventures in half-assed step parenting.

Chase McFadden called me full-assed about something a while back, and I took it for the compliment that it was. Hence my new regular feature, Full-Assed Friday.

Every Friday I’m going to share something that I consider Full-Assed. It may be funny, awesome, meaningful, or just different. I’m taking suggestions, so if you have an idea or want to be a part of it, email me at accidentalstepmom at gmail dot com.

For the first Full-Assed Friday, I’m introducing you to Ray St. Ray, the Singing Cab Driver.

When I played Chicago with the Hairspray tour, it was an extended stop, eight weeks, and I ended up having foot surgery because it was the only time in my career I could fit it in. Afterwards I was in a boot. This made the loadout interesting because in typical fashion, a blizzard began while we were loading trucks and the Teamsters made fun of me since they could see my toes poking out of the boot. They wanted to know if my toes were cold.

They were.

Weeks before the load out though, there was the Superbowl. I was at a midway point in my recovery and wasn’t supposed to walk more than a block. I needed food and this is how I found myself hailing a cab back from the Whole Foods and being greeted by Ray St. Ray.

Ray totally made my night. He was completely unexpected, entirely entertaining, sang me a song called Sugar Slut and kept me from limping back to my apartment in the boot and the snow.

I googled him a while back and found that he’s still in Chicago, is still the Singing Cab Driver, and still going strong. I contacted him via his website, and even though he doesn’t remember me (I’m pretty sure he does, he’s just not letting on) he was gracious enough to grant me this interview over email.

When you get in Ray’s cab he gets your location then introduces himself, tells what he’s about and gives you a menu of songs to choose from. He’ll sing you one (don’t be greedy).

Me: What song do your passengers choose most often?

Ray: I offer a menu of a little over 20 songs I’ve written and selected for passsengers. They fall into what I call “the four main topics of life: Love, Sex, Social significance and Other.” On any given night a surprising number of people will usually choose the same song. But it’s different each night. Sometimes a song doesn’t get picked for a month, then suddenly it’s a popular subject.

In general, however, whatever song is the last on the last list tends to be chosen more than others, probably because it’s the default for those who can’t decide. It was the last thing they remember.

Me: I read on your website, and remember from my ride, that you became The Singing Cab Driver largely to promote your band Chameleon World. Tell me about your band.

Ray: Chameleon World is “more than a band…It’s a world!”

Originally it was friends backing me up for a New Years Eve party twenty years ago. Back then it was all covers, mostly Talking Heads, and we tried to sound exactly like whoever we covered. When I started driving a cab, I started writing original songs and we started slipping them into shows.

Over the years, there were a few “incarnations of personnel”. This group I have now is the most fun and the core of us have been together for over four years. We play all original songs that I write while I drive.

Me: Do you use a voice recorder? Or do you have like a guitar with you in the cab?

I always have paper and pen in my pocket to jot down notes.

A guitar would be useless to me, since I don’t play any instruments. It’s probably just as well because I can hear a whole orchestra in my head.

I do, however keep an mp3 recorder handy to scat or whistle song ideas. I probably have ten hours of these from over the years. It’s important that I make notes like this. The songs I finish I rarely have to go back to listen to, but for every song that’s completed, I probably lost five as soon as someone opened the cab door and said “Hello.”

Me: What’s your most memorable fare?

Ray: I sang for a group of people I picked up at the Opera House. One was Renee Fleming, the opera diva. Another was John Kander, who with Fred Ebb, wrote the songs for CHICAGO and CABARET.

One of the songs from CHICAGO, All I Care About Is Love, I could pinpoint as being the genesis of my music career. Accidentally seeing it performed on TV started a chain of consequences over decades which led to my being The Singing Cab Driver.

How many artists can say they actually met and personally performed for a genuine influence?

Me: That’s fantastic. What song did Kander pick?

He didn’t. We deferred to the ladies and Renee Fleming chose a sexy number called Little Trouble. Not the best example of my writing, but it’s fast, hooky, and it was a short ride.

Me: Who tips the best and who tips the worst?

Ray: IN GENERAL: Best tippers: cool, hip people. Worst tippers: people who aren’t. Also, doctors and their wives.

Me: Do you remember me? I’m cute and blond and had a walking cast and you picked me up at Whole Foods during the 2004 “wardrobe malfunction” Superbowl. This was before I had five step kids and still had disposable income. You sang me Sugar Slut. It was appropriate.

Ray: I remember your shoes didn’t match.

Me: Ouch. Did I tip you okay?

Ray: I can’t even remember if you paid me, Judy.

Me: It’s funny, you using the wrong name like that, like you really don’t remember me. I’m memorable. Can we see the chorus to Sugar Slut, because it’s awesome.

Ray: “She’s a sugar slut! She’ll do almost anything for chocolate! She’s a sugar slut!

Chocolate gets her hot!”

Me: I will believe until the day I die that you totally wrote that for me. Do you like the X-Files?

Ray: I do, but I prefer a rival show that was on for one season called DARK SKIES.

Me: How about bacon?

Ray: I’m eating some now.

Me: Do you have any songs about bacon?

Ray: Not in the foreseeable future, present or past.

Me: Name your two favorite musical artists.

Ray: The Turtles. David Byrne.

Me: On your website people comment frequently that you’re quite the snazzy dresser, but I couldn’t really see your outfit that night, being that it was winter and you were driving a cab. What were you wearing?

Ray: A long time ago I read or heard an old salesman say: “Every day is special. Dress up for it.” I took that to heart. Even as a kid I tried not to dress like a child but like a adult man, usually guys I saw in the movies. I still dress like that.

It’s all what I call “found art”, that is to say, I bought it in thrift stores for next to nothing.

A lot of next to nothing can add up to a lot of something over a period of time. For example, I own over 1200 neckties. It’s a fact. nine years ago when I was moving I figured I might as well count them as I was packing. Lost count after 1200. Most cost less than a dollar, but still, added up, that’s some arithmetic.

A stylin’ kid of guy? Yes I am. Every day is new so every day is different. I wear the costumes of the story of my life, in which I am the eccentric hero. Might as well dress the part, right?

I have no idea what I was wearing when you rode with me, but I’m sure it was something gentlemanly, seasonally appropriate and possibly anachronistic.

You can see the variety of my outfits in my blogs.

Me: I’m genuinely bummed that I didn’t get to see your outfit. What are you wearing right now?

Ray: Avert your glance, please. Right now I’m not wearing anything.

Me: What’s your favorite comic strip no longer being published?

Ray: Alex Raymond’s FLASH GORDON daily and color strips from the thirties. Each panel is a framable masterpiece of pen and ink.

Me: What’s the greatest thing about Chicago?

Ray: Besides The Singing Cab Driver? The weather, I guess. It does demand that you pay attention to the environment and gives one a reason to own several wardrobes.

Me: “The weather” is not an answer I would have guessed, but you totally sold me on it. When’s the next Chameleon World show?

Ray: The next Chameleon World show is MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 at HUNGRY BRAIN, 2319 Belmont, Chicago.

We will also play the CLUB LUCKY stage at 1824 W. Wabansia on SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1st at 4:00 pm as part of COYOTEFEST.

You can check out more about Chameleon World on their website.

Ever had any memorable cab rides?

Everybody Hates Mime

I don’t consider myself an allergy person, but I feel like I’ve snorted about half a bottle of Drano, and I’m reasonably certain I haven’t done that in at least thirteen years.

I pulled into my driveway earlier this week and thought we were getting rain because that’s what it sounded like on the roof of the car. It turned out to be some type of fuzzy green seed. A LOT of some fuzzy green seed, hell bent on ruining my life for a few days.

It’s not conducive to thinking, this sitting around hoping to sneeze. It isn’t conducive to writing or cooking or cleaning or much of anything. At least nobody’s vomiting. Plus the kids are happy that I’m not feeling well enough to torment them. And that when I went out to buy tissues I also hit the half-price Easter candy.

In lieu of having any real content today, I’m going through my pictures. If you want to read something funny about the kids, go here. Or here. My dogs are sometimes funny too.

Here’s a picture of part of my console at work. It’s British.

Those two big rectangular buttons under plastic. They look pretty similar, no? The only real difference is that in the picture one is lit up and one isn’t. One of them, the one labeled PC 2, seamlessly switches to your backup computer if you have a problem. The other one, the one labeled CHECK, reverses all your mutes. Meaning, everything that is currently on, it turns off; everything that is currently off, it turns on.

It’s like the Opposite Button.

You really don’t want to hit this during a show. Even if you’re at the almost-very-end.

Which is why those helpful Brits made the CHECK button so different from every other button (except one). It’s why they put it under plastic (just like the other button). And put it far away from the other button (a whole two-and-a-half inches away so that you couldn’t possibly hit it by mistake if you got distracted by something, such as a patron trying to talk to you when you’re shutting down the computers while mixing the walkout music).

You’d never hit it on accident. Because that would make the band mics all turn off and the audience wouldn’t be able to hear the band and the band wouldn’t be able to hear each other and then the stage manager would be calling light cues off of silence, Keeping Calm and Carrying On by counting to eight in her head, over and over. Then it would be mime, and everybody hates mime. You’d never do that.

Not a second time, anyway. Especially not after you tape it up with a note like Kevin Bacon did in Apollo 13.

This is accidentalstepmom reminding you that it’s never too late to screw up in a brand new way. For more British ingenuity, set your alarm tonight for 4am EST- or better yet, stay up!

Snubbing Calvin Klein

I have bad celebrity karma.

Famous people come to my work sometimes. Mostly, I have no idea who the hell they are. If I manage to get the TV off of the inane shows the kids like, I prefer to either turn it off or watch something gory like shows about forensics, animal predators, or people of my culinary skill level trying to cook. This is because we don’t have Showtime and I can’t watch Dexter, which I think is unfair, being that I pay the bill.

I don’t see many movies either, unless there’s a vampire, wizard, or talking animal featured.

My sub, the other guy who does my job, has good celebrity karma. The famous people that I have heard of come when he is working instead of me. Betsey Johnson has been there twice. Once when I was on my honeymoon and once when one of the heathens was sick.

The only one who came while I was there that I cared about was Alice Cooper. I got all school girly. It was bad form, truly. But I got a picture. My friend John thinks he looks like Henry Winkler.

My kids were livid with me because when John Stamos (my Blackie; their Uncle Jesse) came, I didn’t get his autograph. Likewise a Jonas Brother. And Zack Effron.

Actual text exchange between me and #3 (yes, I spell out all my words and use punctuation in texts):

Me: Apparently, Zack Effron was here today.

#3: OOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGG PLEEEEEEEEESE TELL ME U GOT HIS AUTOGRAPHHHHHH!!!!

Me: I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. I followed him out the door but I didn’t know it was him. And don’t all your extra letters defeat the purpose of your abbreviations?

#3: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Wait what?

When former President Bill Clinton came, he came backstage at intermission. Intermission serves one purpose for me: pee break. A large crowd of our company gathered to meet him. In front of the bathroom. Blocking me. I tried to gracefully edge around the former President and the star-eyed musicians and actors waiting to say their piece and get a picture. I made it to the other side. I waited until what I thought was the right moment and went into the bathroom.

Of course someone tried to come in. Of course it was Bill Clinton. Thwarted from relieving himself by a locked door. A whole new kind of cock block. Ah, c’mon, you’d totally go there if this was your story.

Once a man and a woman came up after the show. The man held out his hand and said, “Hi, Calvin Klein.” I shook his hand but was all, yeah right, in my head. He introduced his companion and asked if he could come backstage. I told him he could go to the stage door and talk to the doorman.

The look on his face was my first indication that he may have been telling the truth about his identity. He said, “Yeah, I don’t do that,” and walked away. I related the story to CC later that night.

CC: Did he kinda look like Lyle Lovett?

Me: Yeah, totally!

CC: You idiot. That was Calvin Klein. They’re related.

Me: Crap.

Calvin Klein came back on a different night when I wasn’t there and my sub took him backstage. I’m pretty sure he gave him the entire spring line and a private cruise on his yacht as a thank-you.