I’m not a big fan of practical jokes. Mainly because when people say, “practical”, they really mean, “something that makes you look an ass and feel like an awkward teenager.”
So I’m always on the lookout for April Fools Day Jokes that
Wouldn’t piss me off too much if they were played on me
Won’t cause me a lot of extra work or cleaning
Won’t come to the attention of the authorities and
Won’t get me fired.
This does limit the field, particularly where the kids are concerned.
In doing my “research” for this post, I came across what I think is the best idea ever, but I don’t have an appropriate person to play the prank on: Take a screen shot of the prank recipient’s (I really dislike the term “victim”) computer desktop, hide all their icons, and use that screenshot as the desktop wallpaper.
You’re welcome.
PS: My icons are already hidden. Don’t even try it.
#5 had a basketball game on a Saturday when his Dad and I were both at work. I texted him at intermission to see how it went.
Me: How was basketball?
#5: I was fouled by a violent kid every play but it was never called and i never got the ball because of that then i couldnt play defence on him because he hurt me and grabed his way throughthen i was knocked down by him three times and the third time i hit my head and sat out for 8 minutes and we also lost by like twenty points so it really wasnt that fun until i got to cover someone else for 4 minutes at the end.
Usually when I ask this question– whether in person, on the phone, or via text– I get a “fine” in response.
Me: Man, that sucks, bud. Sorry. At least you know you don’t play like a jerk like that kid does. How is your head?
#5: Fine.
Me: You’re still handsome.
#5: …..
Me: Unless that kid beat you with an ugly stick.
#5: ……
Me: He didn’t, did he?
#5: No they wood count that as a foul on me because i came in contact with it.
For more adventures with #5 and his amazing powers of observation, here’s a link to my post on Family Circle’s Momster blog, Doing the Dirty Work. It may or may not also have something to do with my mad housekeeping skillz.
Recently, I discovered it was a friend’s birthday- via Facebook, of course, which, sadly, is where I get a majority of my information these days. I opted to send Misty a text rather than post on her wall. How this is better, I’m not sure. What I really wanted to do was mail her a card, but it was too late for that.
I sent a text that said, “Happy Birthday! I hope your day is as fabulous as you are.”
It rang hollow to me even as I hit send. Because Misty is fabulous. She’s the kind of fabulous who will always send YOU a card, which will arrive on time, regardless of the weather.
Misty’s Valentine, which arrived in between blizzards on February 13.
My lame-ass text was not even a Hallmark. More like something from the 99-cent section of greeting cards next to the tampons in the grocery store.
Then I looked at her Facebook page and discovered that three other people had posted that exact same message on her wall!
I sent another text: “I take it back. I hope your birthday rocks balls.”
She gave me credit for sentiment, but marked me down a point for lack of originality. Which got me to thinking, how many ways are there to say Happy Birthday?
I’m a chronic birthday forgetter.
Facebook giving me a reminder and the opportunity to write “Happy Birthday!!” on someone’s wall lets me do fully 100% more to observe that birthday than I would have otherwise.
The problem is that I want to be more than that, and I’m not.
If you see a friend in-person on their birthday, you simply say, “Happy Birthday!” No need to be witty. If you have a gift, it’s even better, but not necessary. Sending a card or a gift across the miles brings joy, if you remember to do it.
Facebook reminds us of the birthdays of close friends, relatives, and acquaintances. We feel an obligation to observe all the birthdays that pop up in our sidebar, regardless of the closeness of the relationship.
You find yourself wishing happy birthday to someone with whom the only thing you have in common is the the same second grade teacher, or the job at the car wash that summer before sophomore year, or the fact that you both shut down the same bar every night for six months before one of you went into rehab and the other one didn’t notice.
Is it possible to send pithy, heartfelt, electronic birthday greetings?
Happy Birthday!! Are you bringing cake to work?
Thanks for letting me copy your math homework in 4th grade. Happy Birthday!!
When I quit that horrid place we worked at together, I swore I’d never speak to anyone from there again. Happy Birthday!!
I hang out with you only to steal your Altoids. Happy Birthday!!
I have no idea who you are. Happy Birthday!!
I’m the one who ran over your cat. Happy Birthday!!
Your parents pay me to be your friend. Happy Birthday!!
*****
#1’s spring break this year happened to coincide with my birthday and she was coming back for a visit. She mentioned she had a birthday surprise for me…
And that she had to go to five different places before finding one that would accommodate her wishes…
And that she told my mom about it and my mom was appalled…
I must confess, I never saw it coming, and I’m so damn proud of her for pulling this off.
See, this Christmas, #1 wasn’t able to make it back to New Jersey. We packed up a trunk with a gift for her to open each day in December leading up to Christmas. My favorite gift of all was a very… special… picture of Jack that I framed and wrapped. I couldn’t imagine that this gift could be topped, ever.
That’s because I failed to imagine the photo topping a cake.
Every place she went to get it made had refused, saying that the photo violated their corporate policies on decency. When she went to the last place, she handed them the picture upside down because, as she says, “Upside down, it kind of looks like a ferret, so they thought it was a ferret and then we both signed off on it before they figured out that it wasn’t a ferret.”
I’ve looked at this picture- and at the subject in real life- a lot, and I don’t see a ferret.
Finally, with this photo of a cake with a photo on it, I have my pithy, heartfelt electronic birthday wish for everyone’s Facebook wall.
JM Randolph, accidentalstepmom 