#5 got a cell phone for Christmas.
He’s too young for it, we know.
We were maxed out on our family plan when it came time to get one for #4, who was literally the last kid in the sixth grade without one. We had to open a whole new account to accommodate her, and at that point it was easy to add him on.
For the record, we’re talking about basic phones here. Not smart phones. An awful lot of kids in the middle school here got iPhone 4’s for Christmas. Our kids referred to them as spoiled, which made me proud.
Though it is quite possible they were just saying what they knew I wanted to hear in hopes that I would buy them smart phones next time around.
I figured #5’s phone would last three months, tops. Turns out it was #4 who broke her phone first.
Ten days after Christmas; water damage.
She didn’t do it, she swears.
Kids text. They don’t talk on the phone. I wish someone offered a plan that was unlimited texts and like, twenty minutes a month. I would totally come out ahead on that. Which, I suppose, is why no one offers that plan.
Most of the texts I get from the girls are either asking for something that will cost me money or complaining about something that will cost me money. They are nearly always misspelled, and not in a fashion that saves them any extra effort.
-Wat is 4dinnner
-Cant we haaav bk instead of stew
-do i haaavd to do choares please say no
-HELP ME. SHE WONT STOP SNORRING.
-I haaaaate her shez such a b-word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Cn u leev $$$ for me pleeeez?
-I just want to give you a heads up about tour. I’m going to need two new dresses. And probably shoes as well. (#2 always spells everything correctly)
Though I have to say, during the brief span of time before she broke her phone, #4 did send me a picture of Casey wearing the Gene Simmons wig.
#5, however, is different. He never texts me with complaints about his sisters, requests for money, or to say he didn’t like dinner.
This is the kind of thing I get from #5:
A picture of him being attacked by the vacuum cleaner on a Saturday when we left them with an extensive chore list.
“Everything’s better with Perry” was his signature line. A reference to Phineas and Ferb, the greatest TV show of all time.
So when my friend Walter brought me a gift to give to #5, I texted him.
Me: My friend Walter brought me a gift for you.
#5: sweat! tell him i said thanks
I’m pretty sure he meant “sweet”. He didn’t ask what the gift was until I got home. As if it never occurred to him to pester me via text.
The pestering came later, and it was really directed more at his sisters as he proclaimed with great joy, and even greater volume, the two magical words that named the gift, over and over, all day long:
BACON WALLET!!!!!
It is his most cherished possession. Thanks, Walter- it’s sweat!
JM Randolph, accidentalstepmom 
Oh my holy. I think he likes bacon more than my little sister does… and that’s a feat!
He is more than a little obsessed. Should I be worried?
Love the bacon wallet. I have a boy and a girl and my daughter is the same way. She needs money in her account. She also never sends a text without having a full out text conversation. She’s like #2, spells everything out correctly (she says if you have an iphone there is NO reason not to spell everything out.) My son, on the other hand, is very brief. I usually have to sit and think about what they mean as they are practically in code.
“No home. Matt.”
Means I won’t be home, I’m going somewhere either with Matthew, or possibly to his house.
I’ve been missing all your fun stories!! Glad you are blogging again!!
You need a translation guide for that. If you can put one together, can I have it for when #5 turns into a teenager and stops speaking to me?
hee hee hee I loooooove it!!! Can you give him my cell phone number? I want pictures from #5 too.
BTW I am hoarding a Vosges bacon chocolate bar for you/#5. I’d tell you more, but where’s the fun in that? 😉
It’s here! Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
I want to get that wallet for my husband, that is so cool!
We just gave my son (he’s almost 10) our old beat-up cell phone. He was always asking for one. I kept asking him, who are you gonna call on it anyway? and he’d shrug. None of his friends have one yet.
The first day he had it, our phone rang. It was him. On the cell. Outside in our driveway on his bike. Telling me to bring him some cookies. I think I regret giving it to him now.
Oh my, that’s hilarious. I’ve gotten a couple of those “look outside” calls. I never do. Maybe you should start calling him and asking him to bring you cookies.
I have an aversion to anyone under the age of 16 having a cell phone. I don’t understand why they need it. But my little sister got one when she was 13 because my parents didn’t want her to be the only kid who didn’t have one, and she’s broken/lost/thrown into the ocean like six phones at this point. She’s 22 now. It must be a phase.
Um, so.. when is the post in which you flat-out state that #5 is your favorite? (KIDDING, #1 – 4. Just kidding.)
I’m with you. We don’t replace the phones that they break/loose/throw in the ocean, which is why #4 was entirely without a phone for three months, and I was paying a bajillion dollars for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Boy, there’s nothing worse than when your own standards bite you in the ass.
Regarding my favorite, I am fickle and I can be easily bribed.
I always thought in your household you had the monopoly on “sweat”.
I do. I definitely do. He’s just borrowing the word. I got home from the gym last week and #5 ran up and hugged me and then went, “Ewww!”
#5 always make me smile. And any kid you has a bacon wallet? You don’t get more awesome than that.
*who* has a bacon wallet. I blame auto correct.
Stupid auto correct! Boy does he love his bacon wallet.
Hahahahaha. Hilarious!
My nieces used to drive me crazy on Facebook. Seeing their posts, and their friends’ posts to their walls was painful. Mostly because they CAN spell, but CHOOSE not to. They even add letters and swap letters. I don’t understand it. And I’M NOT EVEN THAT OLD! *cries*
It’s an enigma. Truly. I now have a policy of not friending the kids’ friends because I just can’t take it.
Your children are so awesome.
Daughter was OBSESSED with Perry the Platypus last summer. We played a “game” about 457 times a day where she was Perry and either Paul or I was Dr Doofenshmirtz. Re.Lent.Less!!!
That is so adorable! I’m jealous of how awesome your family is! JEALOUS!!! 😀
I am now in need of a bacon wallet. Thanks for adding to my obession.
Brat.