Time, Out At My Boss’s House

My boss watched the kids last Sunday.

He offered.

“For fun,” he said, though at the time he made the offer we were at a going away party for a colleague and I’m not entirely sure he was sober enough to be making that kind of an offer. When it turned out that none of our sitters were available because one was in Hawaii and one was in Spain and the others were out of state (yeah, it’s killing me too) we took him up on it. He didn’t back out when we gave him the chance. In fact, he made us all breakfast when we dropped them off.

#5’s first words to him upon entering the apartment were, “I know bacon when I smell it!”

My boss has a ten-year-old Vizsla. Currently, a temporary bonus dog that belongs to the other guy who mixes my show is staying there: a ten-month-old teacup chihuahua named Vato (that’s Spanish for Dude).

Vato!

Um, he’s awesome. I loves him.

Vato has a bark control collar. Instead of shocking the dog when it barks, the collar sprays the dog in the face with a refreshing burst of citronella.

If you’ve read about them here, you know that the Puggle and the Fuggle are horribly trained dogs. Or, more correctly, they have us trained very well. Barking’s a problem. We even got a ticket one time, for the barking. I’m thinking about giving the Vato collar a try, though knowing my dogs either Casey will make Jack do all the barking for both of them, or else they’ll develop a citronella habit and bite open their collars to start mainlining it.

Here was the kids’ day with my boss (who has actually known them longer than I have):

He took the kids and the main dog plus the bonus dog for a walk in Central Park, where #5 almost fell into the boat basin; #2 and #3 renamed Vato PC, for Precious Cargo; #5 asked to be carried on the walk back to the apartment, to which my boss replied that he could only be carried upside down, which #5 agreed to until the point where he started falling out of his pants because gravity was working against him; and finally they came back to the apartment where they played an epic game of Monopoly and ate Chinese food.

(#5 keeps talking about how much money my boss has. I finally figured out he’s talking about the Monopoly game, which is some modern version that appears to be adjusted for inflation and has $500,000 bills.)

Then they went to the drug store where he bought them $36 worth of candy and did his damnedest to have them eat at least $20 worth of it before I came back.

When I came to pick them up after work, #5 immediately said to me, “Don’t ever leave him in charge of me again!” I asked what had happened but it took a minute to get the story, because #5 was shifting back and forth between the little boy stubbornness of trying to appear wronged and starting to realize that what had happened was very, very funny, and my boss was literally doubled over laughing so hard he couldn’t get the words out.

While Vato was not wearing his bark control collar, #5 barked into it, and it controlled him.

It is unclear exactly whose idea this was.

As we were leaving, #5 gave my boss this parting prediction: “You’re going to be a really great parent, and a really terrible parent. Great because you’ll buy your kids lots of candy, and terrible because you’ll let them get squirted in the face.”

When you were a kid, what did you think made for a great parent? What’s your favorite thing to do with other people’s kids?

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30 thoughts on “Time, Out At My Boss’s House

  1. When I was a kid, I wished I had a mother who actually listened to me. My mother never really listened to me and my “problems” and I thought a good parent would listen to me. My father did.

  2. Points to your boss for being willing to take on a bonus dog and kids on the same day! πŸ™‚ I don’t know about other people’s kids, but when my kid cousin came up to stay with us when a hurricane was coming around his neck of the woods, we taught him how to play poker for money, got him a do-rag and a temporary tattoo of a flaming dragon, and taught him how to belch from the diaphragm before sending him home. I was tempted to do so with a pack of candy cigarettes just to freak my aunt out, but I restrained myself.

    1. Oh this is beautiful. This is exactly what I was hoping for. And from the Touseled Apostle- sweet! Can you even get candy cigarettes anymore? Those were my favorite! About five years ago at our local street fair one of the vendors was selling them and they damn near ran him out of town for it.

  3. wow, i wish we knew someone here who would take on our kids πŸ™‚ sounds like they had a fun day though πŸ™‚
    i remember feeling closer to my dad too, he seemed a little more even keeled back then πŸ™‚

  4. This episode really made me laugh! The thing I like to do with OPK’s depends on if the parents are friends of mine or if I find them annoying. If they are friends I teach the kids to play “who can hold their breath the longest” and make it two outa three etc. This keeps the children quiet for easily an hour if done correctly and they’re still having fun. For children under 11 whose ‘rents are annoying I teach them “Climb the Mountain” which is literally having them hold my hands and walk from my shins until they are standing on my shoulders. I am a large person and this doesn’t bother me but the kids love it and will then ask mommy and daddy to do it!

    1. Excellent. I like the Climb the Mountain idea. They do that on CC all the time already. I will have to try the holding you breath the longest game. #5 is already hip to the charade of the Quiet Game, and won’t play it anymore.

  5. Totally laughed out loud at the refreshing burst of citronella. After laughing about the image of a Vizsla cohabitating with a Taco Bell dog. (My sister used to have a Vizsla, until she ate the house and my parents sent her to live on a farm. No, she really does live on a farm.) But I’m thinking this guy is on to something with the collars. Maybe they can be programmed to squirt the kids in the face when they do something wrong in general. Hmmm…

  6. Can #5 be any funnier?? This was hilarious. Also, I just have to tell you that I think this is the first WordPress URL that made me giggle. I don’t know why, but the 3 S’s on ‘boss’ in the link, changing the meaning of the title (Time out at my bosssss house, ya’ll! Margaritas for everyone!), just got to me. I swear I’m not even drinking. Holy sh*t. It’s 6:09pm. Why am I not drinking?

  7. What did I think made for a great parent back when I was a kid? Hell, I can’t remember that far back. But I can recall my teens and I’m pretty sure my idea of an awesome parent was one who made an adjustment to your allowance for pot and alcohol purchases. Which is just one of the many reasons why I decided not to reproduce. Mostly, I just like to find out what a child likes and do that … barring that it’s not smoking pot or mixing cocktails.

  8. When my kids were little my childless brother got them a complete Fisher-Price band, complete with a whistle that could plaster an adult to the ceiling instantly, so of course my kids developed the habit of sneaking up on me and blowing the @#%# whistle!
    When he had kids, I dug out the musical ensemble, made it sterile, and sent it to his house.
    Sometimes, revenge is the sweetest!
    Jodi

  9. I’ve used those collars in my dim, dark past when I owned German Shepherds.

    I LOVE #5’s “experience”! What makes kids think to try this stuff? πŸ˜†

    Mind you, he might be on to something – I think I could use that on Miss O 1 sometimes, or maybe Miss O 2 – I did ask Mr O if we could “take the batteries out” the other day!

    My favourite thing to do with other people’s kids? Give them noisey toys!!

    1. “What makes kids think to try this stuff?”

      I’m not afraid (or ashamed) to admit that I’ve tried them. Yeah. And I’m over 50. (FWIW, my dogs just laugh at citronella.) I’ve also zapped myself with an E-collar just to know how it feels. It feels weird. Tingly ….. in case you were wondering or tempted.My dogs don’t laugh quite as hard at E-collars, but they’ve been known to just shake their heads and persist. Gotta love their determination!

  10. ….they’ll develop a citronella habit and bite open their collars to start mainlinng it…
    LOL, you’re awesome.
    What makes for a great parent?
    My Mom basically took care of everything–housework, dinner, lunches, babysitting other kids, volunteered at our school and made sure we had especially special birthdays complete with homemade cakes. My Dad played monster with us after each long day at work and never complained when we stole change from his dresser. πŸ™‚

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