Zing, part deux

Summer is sucking my soul. Luckily my kids are still amusing me. Here are some more zings for your enjoyment.

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At dinner last night:

#4: Daddy! Daddy! I want to go surfing!

CC: Get a job. Buy a surfboard.

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Speaking of surfing. . .

#5: You know that movie Soul Surfer, where the girl gets her arm eaten by a shark?

#2: Yeah?

#5: How does that girl put on a bra?

Clearly, he’s folded way too much of his sisters’ laundry than can possibly be healthy.

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#3: I kind of have a photographical memory.

#2: If that were true, you’d know it wasn’t photographical.

#3: Wait, what?

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#5, on having to sit in the back seat on a cold winter day while #4 got the front seat and the accompanying seat warmer: This car doesn’t care at all about the butts of the people sitting in the back seat.

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#4, on tutoring: Getting taught one-on-one is better, because there’s no one there to steal your thunder.

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My kids are all picky eaters. #5 hates, hates fish. Sadly for him, I cook a lot of it. When #4 was taking guitar lessons, I would often bring #5 with me, and we would hit the grocery store for dinner while #4 was in her lesson.

One day I had a different idea. Right next to the grocery store is a Carvel’s ice cream store. I thought it would be cool to sneak him an ice cream cone without anyone else there. I pulled into the parking lot and turned the car off.

Me: C’mon, buddy, let’s go ruin your dinner!

#5: Aw, does that mean we’re having fish again?

image from free-extras.com

What’s your favorite way to ruin your dinner?

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24 thoughts on “Zing, part deux

  1. Re fish ordeal: Very few foods I don’t like. Mother would still make those lima beans every week. For years! Then the screaming, the fighting, the endless punishments. My forced swallowing and suffering. The beatings. Why couldn’t she just stop serving the stuff? Eliminate all that misery? I’d rather consume molten lead washed down with bleach then get a root canal with no pain stuff. Now I am a recovering alcoholic and cynic and full of resentments. Do you want poor #5 to grow into an adult like this? I do like fish, esp grilled salmon. Mother’s 88 now. She’s in the kitchen. Cooking lima beans. Will #5 trade fish for limas?

    1. Funny, he’s never had lima beans. Because my mom made them too! CC and I were just talking about this, how there wasn’t all this amazing fresh produce when we were growing up. You ate seasonally, and when it wasn’t summer, you had lima beans. Frozen bricks of goddamn lima beans, which have also been compared to licking a cat’s ass. I was going to suggest that you cook lima beans for your mother to get even, but I guess if she’s still cooking them herself you need a different solution.

  2. Sucking your soul? No, this will NOT do at all!
    Get out there and have some fun! Give the kids some induistrial-grade cough syrup to quiet them down if necessary, but get out there, woman!

  3. Aw, jeez…I love fish, too. Even as a kid.

    I, like Carl, also hated Lima beans. But, as an adult, discovered BABY lima beans…who doesn’t like a “baby” anything? And I have to agree with #5 – your car sounds quite rude…how could it NOT care about the butts of those sitting in the back seat? Humph! (arms crossed, chin down, lips pouting)

  4. These are all FANTASTIC! I used to hate fish as a kid (except tuna fish for some reason); now I love it (wonder if #5 would go for bacon-wrapped scallops…). It probably goes without saying that I like to ruin dinner (every dinner) with booze. Preferably champagne, but I’ll take what I can get.

  5. i love that the car doesn’t love everyone’s butts. That line is classic. Love your stories!!

    1. I totally had to Google “broad beans”. I’ve never had them but they don’t look like something I’d enjoy. I am not a fan of canned tuna, but CC has been making these amazing tuna sandwiches lately, with tomato and capers and fresh basil. Those, I like!

  6. Usually I ruin my dinner with something like Oreos or a super sweet latte. Tonight it was lettuce. Seriously, I ate about 1/4 of a head of lettuce. It was fantastic!

    Repent, because apparently, the end is near.

  7. Liver is nasty. My mom was convinced that if she just found the right way to cook it, my brother and I would instantly convert to liver-lovers. Didn’t work, but she made us eat it anyway.
    Liver is cat food.
    Jodi

    1. Ewww, ewwww, and ewww. It is beyond me why anyone would want to EAT the organ that is responsible for filtering all the toxins out of the body. My mom never made us eat it, but she loved to snack on chicken livers herself. In my memory, she ate them raw. That can’t be right, can it?

Comment. It gives me a reason not to clean my house.

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